what i'm NOT resolving to do this year...

in 2016 I resolve:

not to lose weight

not to diet or "eat better"

not to exercise more

not to try and change my body

not to give up....sugar, wheat, coffee, whatever

I do intend however to work on more self love, more body acceptance, more adjusting my judgments about body and weight, specifically mine.

To enjoy my body, my food, my life, my age, my experience.

To not limit myself because I think i'm fat or not worthy or too old or whatever

To wear my glitter, get more tattoos, wear clothes with unicorns and woodland creatures on them

To step forward in my shining light with honesty and truthfulness - in the total Nanette-ness of me, unabashed, unashamed unapologetic

and Yoga - yoga is where i find glitter in my insides to sparkle from within

Twitter @glitter_daily

Instagrasm @glittereveryday3

Yay 2016! Intentions, new stuff, glitter.

i always love new years day - well i do now that I don't have hangovers on it.

It just feels new, even though it's just a day, Friday today. I don't have a set in stone ritual on Jan 1st, but there are some things i love to do -  for one  - i always read my little spiritual diary, i don't read it every day of the year but the Jan 1 entry is one of my faves:

" 

With the opening of the New Year, all the closed portals of limitations will be thrown open and I shall move though them to vaster fields, where my worthwhile dreams of life will be fulfilled." - Paramahasana Yogananda

Just feels like such a great way to start - every year, every day there are closed portals to open and dreams to fulfill and ponder upon.

I also like to do 108 Sun Salutations - in past years i've done them on new years eve but this year I am doing them on Jan 1.  I decided not to go to a studio that was offering it in a group and instead I am going to  complete them at home, that way i can take all day and do it in increments of 5 or 10 or whatever, and mark them down.  So far today I've done 15 and i'm listening to Magnetic Fields as my soundtrack

Today also I will go to Counter Culture for their new years day brunch with my daughter, we tried last year but the line was huge and we had a time constraint. - Well actually i saw that the line is huge again and so I'm gonna cook up some deliciousness, lentil pie, garlicky wilted collard greens for abundance and black eyed pea harissa hummus.

One thing i started new this year was a new instagram and twitter account for Glitter Every Day - i was reading the beginning of this blog and remembering the inspiration for the name - the day i had to go have a biopsy, the one that diagnosed my breast cancer, i wore glitter eyeliner to it, i wanted and needed to feel glittery, pretty, snazzy and ME - i've always been a glitter girl.  I felt good that day in my fear.  For some reason this past year I've had a renewed difficulty finding the me in me.  The shine i have felt in the past. Nothing major has happened, it's just a thing, some shifts of life n stuff.  So I've been doing the glitter wearing again, even to yoga sometimes, glitter eye liner is on.

 I was inspired big time by this awesome blog post by my friend

Blake

, it just takes a little thing to feel that spark, it's not so hard to find that self expression.

But I also want to remember that finding that can be in anything...a quote, an encounter, a flower, you get it.  So follow me:

Twitter:  

https://twitter.com/glitter_daily

Instagram @glittereveryday3

Fall Reinvention - Phoenix Rising

I've had a lot of changes in the last few weeks, mostly tiny internal shifts that have let me "know" certain things, certain directions I want to persue, certain attitudes to embrace...and some bigger changes that were/are hard to accept, but as always a chance for growth.

These shifts are aligning with the changing season, a time to disperse of old paradigms and reinvent.  I'm ready.  I've been practicing more yoga than usual, 5-6 days a week, this always brings about the raw internal observations

But before I even became clear on this I had signed up for an Ayurvedic yoga and cleanse at Eastside Yoga, and at the same time my soul sister Ro had turned me on to a new podcast, more on that in a bit...so along with all this spiritual stuff, and physical body stuff, i felt the urge to purge....my closet that is.  And bookshelves it seems too.

So I put a facebook call out to people that I was doing this, and people came over, and took my stuff. I had a lot of cool books and pretty clothes. And every now and then someone would ask me "how much?" - and i of course would answer - nothing, it's free, take it.  Some people asked me why i was doing this.  It's hard to asnwer that to a "mixed group" - so I wanted to share where this purge concept comes from....it's not because I have too much, or I want to buy more, it's really not an earthly vibe or action.  I was inspired by the podcast mentioned above - The Yoga Healer podcast - i'm in love with it!!

So, here is the link to hear it - and listen to more of her - she's fantastic and speaks my lingo

happy fall reinvention and rising from the ashes y'all

Yoga Healer Podcast - Purge your home

beautiful

I just saw the film

Me & Earl and the Dying Girl

 - i knew that because it was about cancer that I would cry, actually anyone would cry, it's a beautifully sad movie.

But there was one scene -  and I'm only saying this as a PSA  - if you went through being bald from chemo - to bring kleenex, and go with people you feel comfy with....

you know when you lose your hair, and everyone tells you how beautiful you look, and then they go - "no really, of all people, you REALLY look so gorgeous bald, it

actually

 suits you"... I KNOW they have to say that, i know they want you to feel ok, they want to feel ok, they want to lessen the suffering of all of us.

And in fact I must admit i've said it, and in all honesty it's kind of true a lot of the time, some women really do look amazingly beautiful when they lose their hair. Maybe it's perfect bone structure, big eyes, perfect lips, mostly it's the aura of warrior mixed with aching vulnerabilty - when i see it i know it's beautiful, it just is.

But remember how it felt? remember how ugly, tired, sad and beat down it felt? Raw, open, sick and just crappy. There were times when i donned one of my groovy scarves, piled on the glitter eye make up, pink lip gloss, dangly earings that i felt a glimmer of pretty in the mirror, but mostly it was hard to look, i remember forcing myself to look head on in the mirror and take it in.  Not easy.

The scene i'm referring to  kind of got to that part of the cancer memory cloud - I didn't expect it, but it was kind of surreal, like I wasn't hearing it or wasn't in the theater, i was back to that time. My daughter felt it, i know because i felt her hand on my arm and it helped to know that she knew i was remembering.

I didn't allow any photos of me bald, i kind of wish i had - here's a scarf one,  definitely more bearable

Really a wonderful movie - i totally reccomend you all go see it - there is so much more going on than just the cancer part

turning the sky green

this post isn't cancer related  - but seeing as i don't write that much about it these days, and seeing as i often have stuff to say, i'm gonna start posting Nanette-ness of some sort or another

anyway, this is a rant somewhat. and it's MY FEELINGS AND THOUGHTS...

I just finished wathing the documentary "Don't Follow Me - I'm Lost Too" about pretty much my fave musician ever (besides the Stones & Dylan) Bobby Bare JR.

It was good, followed him on the road, trials and tribulations, I got to hear/see my fave songs.

The road stuff is whatever, i've heard about it and seen it over the course of my semi-life long "career" of musican relationships. A whole other subject.  Which leads me to what got me riled up.

The movie ended with Bobby's then current relationship with the mother of his then 2 month old baby leaving him, and Bobby saying to the camera, that the two women, mother's of his 3 children, both left him because they wanted him to stop doing what he was doing, stop being on the road, and of course he didn't because...duh.  In his words he pointed out that he could stay in his town and have some shitty job making some shitty amount an hour, but really the point is deeper than that.

If you fall in love with a working musician, if you have a baby with him, if you marry him or not marry him, you sign up for this life.  What Bobby's chicks did happens all the time and I just don't understand it.  Surely that aspect, that creative energy, that talent, that spark that makes song writing and playing the "thing" that makes your man thrive, surely that's what you fall in love with. And i don't mean the image, i mean if you fall in love with a person, you fall in love that person and all that they are, unconditionally.  Thier essesnce. And for artists, the creating is their essence. Why woud you want  them to not be them? It's like asking your dog to please be a cat now because you are tired of having to walk them all the time.  Or wishing the sky was green because it's a way more pleasant color to you than blue.

My ex husband came home for 2 weeks when my first kid was born, two weeks, then he was gone for 4 months i think, and then for some more time, and some more. I know my situation was semi-easy in that significant money was being made and major carreer success was happening.  I realize it may be harder to take when it's all a grind and not too luxurious. But that doesn't change the scenario, in that if an artist forces themsleves to not be that, the effects of that would be squeezed out the sides like a melting ice cream sandwhich. resentment, anger, depression, sadness, disatisfaction.

I guess i have to disclaim that this may not be the case in every relationship and in every artist, and let's not even touch on peoples paranoia about "men on the road" - it happens, it doesn't happen, it's not the point of this.

I just know you have to love someone and let them be who they are, and it's not easy, and not always pretty and it doesn't always work.

below is Bobby Bare Jr and his insanely cute daughter Bella singing the song Bobby sang with his Dad when he was a kid.

The Good Mood Project - Day 5: JOY

last post but certainly not the last dance!

Really it's a free for all folks - like i said before - the possibilities are endless, it's YOUR good mood, your choices, your songs.

You can even google "songs that put you in a good mood" and get a variety of awesome suggestions

Today i chose "joy to the world" because - happy - it just makes me happy!

I threw in a little Lee Dorsey too becaust it makes me feel cute - it reminds me of when i was 20 years old and worked at the Green Mesquite BBQ and we had a buch of Lee Dorsey on the Juke Box, it was the first time I had heard it and I used all my tip quarters to play it over and over

So there you have it - I'd love to know if you try this what your songs are, and if you feel it....it's just all about having fun

The Good Mood Project - Day 4: Check this girl

This one is purely for the ladies (altho i know it sexist - i really only imagine girls may even do this thing)

Beyonce - Check On it.  You know she's badass sexy powerful.  This song is my absolute fave of hers.  it's actually been my "get ready to go out" song for years.
I don't even really wanna tell you how you might get down to this song because well... you KNOW how to
just know you deserve to feel like this.  this song is S-E-X-Y (and the video is hot!)

Some other girl only songs i like to dance to somtimes are:

Fergie - London Bridge.  Love me some Fergie.  Drop it down real low, dont give a fuck so here we go.... this isn't the official video because i kind of don't like it

and just in case you need a bit more Grrrrl Power and less dancing like a ho:

No Doubt - Just A Girl.  You could even go so wild as to throw in some push ups just like Gwen - another super sexy diva power girl that i adore.

The Good Mood Project - Day 3: ...too HOT

if you have not been afflicted with the infectious groove of Uptown Funk by Bruno Mars...well then...I was gonna disown you but instead i'm just gonna tell you to just jump on the bandwagon, do it blindly and with faith.  you won't regret

Disclaimer:  all these good mood songs are MY good mood songs - the joy of this excercise is that you get to dance to what you want!

ok back to Bruno - this is one of my faves - have you seen him do this on Ellen?? find that video now, you will be insta-happy now. it's on YouTube

If you are the type to learn dances - this woud be a fun one to nail down how he and his crew do it and do the entire thing!!

Me - i'm kind of free form - but i have to confess during the "updown funk gonna give it to ya" part there's a little bit of flashdance action going on - you know the scene when she's practicing by her self during Maniac and she's running in place - ha yeah. it's so fun

A thing i love about this song is that altho at first it may seem egotistic, it's really self ego boosting, don't believe me...just watch

Good Mood Project - Day 2: Tonight...

Say what you will about the Black Eyed Peas - I dare you to not get really fuckin jazzed up shaking your ass to this song.

Jump up and down - and really believe it. Tonight's gonna be a good good night...


I'm lucky that I get up really early so the kids are still asleep, and that i still haven't furnished my new home, so I have a pretty big space of polished concrete floors to really go cray - a giant dance floor all to myself.
If you can't go out tonight and let it all out on the dance floor you can do it early in the morn at your own house - same feeling, more sleep :)

confession - the first time i listened to this one - i was feeling kinda blah - and then i sorta cried (you know me - i'm a crier) - but the unbridled positivity of this song just got to me - nothing special - just have fun.

The Good Mood Project - smile at the rising sun

i'm fascinated with being happy.  How do you be happy. Why do some people get happy easier than others.  I love experimenting with practices that set the pace of my day, and ultimately my week/month/life.  I'm generally a happy person but when you leave it up to the ebbs and flows and whims of daily life, you can get derailed by hurdles of varying degress.  It's not possible to be 100% happy 100% of the time but it doesn't hurt to take some action to ensure the best outcome

My current fave thing to do is something i call the good mood guarantee - i swiped the idea from the fab book E Cubed (I cant' figure out how to write the little cubed 3) - by Pam Grout - it's one of her "excercises" so i truly didn't make it up but i've made it MINE

so I challeng you to try it!
Every day this week pick a song - you can pick my songs - i'm going to post one new one for 5 days - put it on your iphone, put in your earbuds, and dance  - yeah, shake your booty like there's no tomorrow.  Think of that cliche "dance like no one is looking" THAT.

There's no way you can do this without smiling, and lifting your spirits - I promise

I'm gonna start you out with what has become my DAILY mantra song - i listen to this one first before any other song i choose, i bop around making coffee, cleaning up the kitchen, whatever first morning things i do.  It truly makes me happy

Bob Marley & the Wailers - Three Little Birds

Still learning to Survive

Just when I think I've got this survivor thing down... Survival Lessons by Alice Hoffman. A small but mighty book falls into my lap

The roller coaster that is cancer  at 5 years since diagnoses  may have less severe dips, and maybe not quite as many  upside down loop-de-loops that the newly diagnosed roller coaster of treatment has.

But every now and then it takes a surprise turn, the kind where the coaster is happily going along with birds tweeting and butterflies fluttering all around you, then suddenly..... I guess basically I'm saying it's just still not easy. And it still surprises me that it's not.

I read an article about how a cancer diagnosis causes PTSD, i felt almost ashamed to admit that this felt true. It seems that how can this compare to the horrors that one thinks of when you hear of a person with PTSD.  But I've come to accept this is true.  In varying levels of severity. 

It's hard to read a book with constant tears. Tears of emotion, and hope, and sadness, and compassion, and gratitude.  That sums up the survival roller coaster

no BRA day

there's some buzz on the internets about national no BRA day, i can't find much, i saw something about BRA standing for Breast Reconstruction Awareness and I can get my head around that one for sure.

Sometimes, and i know it's well meaning, with love, and a heartfelt attempt to be positive in the face of terribleness, and it diffuses the awkward for the other.... but sometimes people like to make light of the "new boobs" - like aren't you lucky you don't have to wear a bra, ooh you got a free (hahaha) boob job, and wow you got great boobs out of it...

They aren't beautiful, i'm not lucky, it wasn't free, it wasn't a boob job. I would wear a bra 24/7, look shitty in a halter, complain about 40 something year old breast feeding boobs down to my waist, all of that to have my original breasts still on my body.

Yes - there are times, when i have a kick ass dress or top with weird back, shoulder, neckline issues where i gladly discard the bra, and look awesome.  And i utter a few words of grattitude. Gratitude in all things is the key to happiness in life.  So don't get me wrong, bitterness has no place. But reality does.

On another boob note:
Last night i had a dream i had a baby, and in the dream I felt my milk come in, and somehow also in the dream i realized I couldn't breastfeed. it was kind of sad

Three Words

Today May 17, 2014 marks the day four years ago and I heard the three words.

Three words you don't want to hear, and I wonder what it feels like to have three words you don't want to say

It is with distinct clarity that I can still hear the voice and accent "you have cancer", it is with distinct clarity that I remember the world stop and the slow-motion reaction and unfolding of this reality.  It was probably just a few seconds.

I do always feel compelled to Mark this day, and to think about things. It's generally called the "cancerversary".  I'm not sad on this day and I think it's significant and a blessing that I'm at my yoga teacher training, surrounded by beautiful souls talking about deep stuff and doing the thing that brings me much joy. In fact I'm here specifically because of having had cancer, my goal is to teach other cancer survivors yoga so that they can hopefully feel the same connection to the self and to the world and to happiness that I have found. 

A couple of days ago I was feeling much more emotional about this anniversary, thinking about the impact of a life changed forever, and the lives of my loved ones change forever.  It's still a heavy emotional thought. But at the risk of the cliché, and of offending those who don't believe in the "cancer gift", I truly am in awe of how I feel today and where I am today.  

I can't even begin to express the value of the friendships and connections I've made, both  with other survivors, and just as a result of revealing my experience to any person I may meet 

My spiritual and personal growth is like a supernova. 

I still wear glitter

And I have good hair

I love you

Tell me a story about how you adore me...

my fave Stone's lyric...

people always say it's hard to take compliments
you feel self conscious when you hear someone tell you how fab you are, especially face to face
but we all wanna be adored right? maybe we all need to hear how adored we are.

I used to want to "pshaw" people who would tell me how brave Iwas during cancer - "I'm not brave, I don't have a choice..." the answer in my head. but people still said it in various ways

also I think sometimes people think that saying stuff on social media is not genuine, or won't mean anything, or they don't know them well enough...
but remember the "love bomb" I got on twitter? when I woke up to literally hundred's of tweets from total strangers telling me great stuff. Every day waking up at that time was a struggle, wondering how I would feel, dreading pain or feeling sick, but that love bomb day, I'll never forget it...it made me feel invincible, loved, special, carried by a giant invisible hand. To this day, I love to hear these kind of things anywhere

 I think it's an inherent desire to hear that you are adored. why we have come to feel uncomfortable around it Idon't know. and conversely, why we feel it will "go to someones head" if we compliment them, why is that a bad thing...

I realize now that it's wonderful to hear these things, it does help, it get's ingrained, it's like affirmation power coming from the outside before you can believe it. I'm a believer in affirmations.
now I crave it, and I give it, because  I know what it can do
Even if you think you don't know a person well enough on Facebook to comment, do it, believe me, it makes a diff.

even itty bitty compliments like "I like your dress" can make a day

or a note to a friend telling them why you treasure them, why you adore them, and how amazing they are

I'm just sayin....I can take a compliment
 and don't forget to tell someone how you feel, comment on a post you almost skimmed over, tell a barrista that that was the best latte in the world


Oh Mick....watch this peeps, it's great

Souvenirs

I love nostalgia, i love drifting through memories, looking at old photos, i usually get teary, not from sadness, unless it's sad, but from that hard to grasp, hard to explain feeling of remembering moments, people, feelings

I just don't keep so many souvenirs now - mostly because i don't know where to keep em, i don't make scrapbooks anymore, because I have no room to scrap, and all my photos are on my phone...

And since cancer, i really almost completely live in the now, or actively work on that. I mean i reminisce, and enjoy traveling through old times, but i don't dwell or regret or pine...

Today i was cleaning out a shit ton of stuff that my cleaning angel had cleared out of my bookshelves and put into bags for me to deal with.  Had a lot of memory lane moments. But i kept finding various items from the cancer year, folders from the hospitals with after care info, notes from medication timing and dosing, pamphlets on whatever, evena a hospital bracelet, they kind of gave me a stab of pain, and for a second i felt i needed to put them in the "save" pile, but really a millisecond, then i thought, are these "souvenirs"? I don't want to deny or forget that time, i value all of the lessons, i very clearly remember how goddamn hard it was, i am crystal on the love and care i received, but i don't really care to remember the little details like that, in a concrete physical way.  So they are gone
I did keep the cards from my friends though....those lift me like nothing else

What about you? do you keep any "souvenirs" from that time?

Ain't no Mountain High Enough

i've been working out super hard lately, started going to a new gym called Beyond Fit and it's pretty gnarly.

sometimes it's so hard i want to cry or stop.  I remember when i first started exercising post treatment, if i had to do something that was challenging to my chest area, like planks or presses, i would feel super sorry for myself, and think, holding back tears "i'll never be the same again" - now, as i get stronger and healthier, i think "fuck yeah, thank god i'll never be the same again" - i'm different and better for it and the lessons.

I know what it takes to push through, i know about focus and vision.  But i've had to develop some new ones of late.
Sometimes we do these exercises called Sandbell Slams, where we pick up a weighted sand bag thing, raise it over head, stand on tippy toes, and SLAM it down on the ground with a squat. Our trainers sometimes tell us to "break the floor" with that thing. When i slam it down, sometimes these are the thoughts i have to really really slam. "fuck you cancer", "fuck you tamoxifen", "fuck you single parenting" and all things that have threatened to make my life harder. I  don't really get angry at all the stuff but it sure feels good to say that shit now and then.  Sometimes when we are doing Mountain Climbers, my most dreaded, thanks to it being a plank type move, all i can focus on was how this is NOTHING compared to recovering from a mastectomy, or walking around the block during chemo, and that of course i can do this heinous move for 15 more seconds.

These thoughts were swirling in my head this morning, when i came upon a blog entry by a fellow survivor, a gorgeous woman with stage four, currently dealing with brain mets and daily brain radiation.  She wrote about the trade offs, how when you first learn you must have something dreadful done to you, it's unbearable, unthinkable and devastating and not dealable, then you come to realize, that it's nothing but a thing, a trade off, a trade off for LIFE and not just life but QUALITY LIFE.  Body parts,hair, discomfort, - all for time with kids, family, pleasures, experinces...worth it.

Think about it, life is all trade offs, we all have them, you go to work for 8 hours a day - you have money for living. You miss a show of your fave band, you get to spend time with your kids. you get it. it's a daily thing

I go to the gym and sweat and push myself for an hour, i get strong, healthy, mental clarity, self esteem, badass muscles, community, friendship - definitely worth it.

 And knowing how lucky i am, to be on this side of the battle and doing this -

the gratitude i feel is almost overwhelming

Sittin in the waiting room

This waiting room inspires mixed emotions.  I come here every 4 months so I'm used to it, yet it can bring a spirit Dow.  But the first radiant smiling face I see is a dear old friend - rekindled through this journey.  

Then I pass time scrolling through my Facebook timeline and am grounded and inspired by the awesome people I know. Great achievements, small successes, hard times endured, humor abounding,babies, puppies, rock shows to look forward too.  And I am so grateful for the distraction and perspective it provides.    As I sit in this waiting room that I didn't wish to be in. 

Intensity in 10 cities

last night i had truly one of the most moving of serendipitous magical moments of meeting someone I was supposed to meet. there's not even a way to write about it to exemplify the intensity.

I attended a wonderful swanky dinner/cocktail party, an event of the American Institute of Architects Austin, it's the kind of thing I go to a lot, and meet fabulous creative people i've always wanted to meet, see design and architecture I've always wanted to see. Learn stuff and contribute to a good cause.

This night, i felt lucky because I met the semi celeb designer of the space, and he sat with us and we were all bondy and fun and stuff. The food was from Sway. good life stuff.

I had spotted a fabulous older lady, with groovy glasses, super chic short hair and a daring red tunic ensemble. I pegged her as an artist, or art collector.  I wanted to meet her, and found myself in her circle later in the evening. It took about 2 minutes for us to realize we were both Realtors, and i learned she was a realtor of note - one I had heard of, one that had been around. We felt kindred and exchanged cards. She asked the inevitable about my tattoo, i gave the inevitable reply including breast cancer. That was the first moment
She pointed at her totally flat chest and said "do you think I was born this way" -  22 year survivor.
we hug, i get a bit teary, we bond. - funny to think that yes she actually was born that way, but i got the point.

Moving along, she mentions her son works at The Heart Hospital as a surgeon. I glibly mention that the Heart Hospital saved my dad's live and touch upon the fact the he was kind of a legendary miracle there, You've probably figured it out at this point, but I hadn't
And I wouldn't have, if she hadn't been a Realtor, and if my parents hadn't been selling their house right after my dad lived, and they hadn't meet when she wanted to show the house, and they made the connection that her son was indeed the surgeon that saved my daddy's life. And I hadn't mentioned they lived off of Far West and....
She remembered my dad's story. and if you remember, i was diagnosed at the tail end of my dad's ordeal. we were drained as a family, it was an intense time that is hard for me to think upon without getting emotional. Her son saved my daddy's life.

we were both just so blown away by the coincidence of us meeting, crying and huggin there in the mega hip designer offices of Peddle.com. What a scene.
Anyway, i feel so validated in the purpose of stuff. I feel blessed by the powers to have met her.  I feel incredibly grateful her son exists. I feel lucky, touched, special and perfectly placed in this planet. I know we are meant to be friends.

Don't you ever think about things like this, why was I there? why was she? why did we talk?

ok, enough intensity - here's a couple of pictures of groovy Alterstudio work with Joel Mozersky design to take the awkward edge off of my moment

Waterproof Mascara

Yesterday was my birthday, I went to Sephora and bought myself a new Benefit mascara called They're REAL - cute
today I learned that it is definitely waterproof, today I learned that a sweet friend Kate died.
It's been a rough day. She was young, very young, her darling husband is very young.
She died of Cancer.
Skin cancer, that had spread, to various parts of Kate's body, and ultimately her brain.
She fought this disease for many years, with varying levels of success with different treatments.
I know that people tend to say about most cancer patients that they are so positive ect... but ask anyone who came across Kate, and you will hear that she was truly the most positive and inspiring shining light in her battle with damn cancer than anyone.
She never doubted that at treatment would work, she never gave up, she always had a positive spin. I recently visited her in a hospice, where she went briefly to get a handle on severe pain, and even in there, unable to walk by herself, scared of the pain, no hair, she laughed, she talked about the future, she told me her various treatment options, she was having a birthday celebration. I was hardly sad myself when i was there.
Get this - when I was diagnosed and going through treatment - Kate called ME an inspiration. She was incredibly supportive. Wow
I guess when you are a cancer survivor, and someone else dies of cancer, you will never NOT have mixed, guilt, emotions, questions of why, fear, humility, and more strange hard to handle emotions. Beyond the grief.
I am having all of those - and before you tell me that that my journey was far from easy and all that - I know, I know what i went through was traumatic and scary and hard  - but still, I can't help it, I had a cancer that didn't spread, that could be removed by surgery, and zapped with a bit of chemo, I had a beginning and an end of it, and a clear path of HOPE. Kate did not have that luxury. But she did have HOPE nonetheless.
There are no answers. She is free now. And I can only assume that her life here on Earth was to touch us all, inspire hope, do good work, and remind us to be happy and strong
I miss you Kate

Family, Loss, Love

This post isn't really a cancer post - but it is about grief, love, family, remembering, loss....a lot of the emotions surrounding cancer and diagnosis and stuff.

at almost 3 years since starting this, there is less to write about directly, so i have thought that i would sometimes post about other life things that don't have a place on my Real Estate blog or my Vegan blog.

So today is the birthday of my cousin Chris Davis, who died. he died a few years ago when he was only 32, a bike accident involving a car. Of course he was too young.

My uncle, his dad, likes to honor this day by having a family lunch together. Today it was at Mothers's, the place where he and Chris had their last meal together. The end of the physical parenthood. Not the bond

This is also the place I told Tony, my now ex husband, that i was pregnant with our first child Claudia, 15 years ago. The start of parenthood. The start of the bond

We looked at a binder of photos of Chris. We chatted here and there about him. At the end of the meal, Harvey spoke, thanking us, and talked about how time does ease, but how every day still hurts. And he talked about he thinks of the Sandy Hook parents. And how when you lose a kid you think about all the moments right before, and all of the things you don't get to see through to fruition.... Then he recited from memory a poem about grief and loss.

I don't know, i just was so overwhelmed with the idea that it doesn't matter the age of the kid, the loss is so deep and awful for a parent. An altering beyond my comprehension.

After Harvey's poem, my 97 year old grandmother recited a poem from memory - a poem the she felt represented Chris and the legacy he left.

I felt so warm and happy right then to be surrounded by such smart, loving, feeling people in my family.