The What If Moments

WTF with the What if?

I’m (very slowly) reading Eckhart Tolle’s The Power of Now.

I read it in snippets and paragraphs here and there, mostly because each bit blows my mind so much and I have to close it and contemplate for a while.

Currently I’m in a beautiful Arbnb in my favorite place, Marfa TX, while on a self imposed writing retreat with my friend Tara. I picked up the book on a little writing break and of course, yet another thought provoking moment occurred.

Tolle asks the question - are you worried? are you having many “what if” thoughts? Then proceeds to explain that there is no way to find a solution or to cope with that future situation because it does not exist.  He further explains that the only things we actually have to cope with are right now, and that that is doable.  The suggestion is to take some breaths, and get back into this present moment for that is all that is true.

I do actually truly believe this, but oh my god, how freaking hard this is for a person with stage 4 cancer? how do we not worry about getting sicker, dying, the process of dying, what our kids and family will do after our death, how they will cope, how sad they will be, will it hurt…and on and and on. It almost feels like we MUST worry about these things in order to plan, and arrange, and prepare our minds and our lives. 

But truly, thinking this way is suffering.  Another incredible writer who I’m also reading little by little is Viktor Frankl his book Man’s Search for Meaning - in it he says that suffering itself is meaningless, and when I step back and observe all of this, it is meaningless, it makes no progress, it provides no relief and solves no problems.  The stress from it is even detrimental to health 

So, I stop to breathe, to take in the view from my window of the vast west texas sky, and my fave restaurant Bordo, I feel the bliss and contentment that is this present moment, and I realize that letting go of “what if’” is freedom.  I can’t plan to die, I can’t plan to make my kids not sad, I can’t fix scenarios that don’t exist yet. it’s madness and debilitating to even consider.   I choose freedom, I choose present moment. 

But…Sometimes the present moment is unbearable, painful, what then? The biggest urge is to run, do anything you can to escape from it.  Maybe at times escape is the best thing, I’ll be honest, these are sometimes the times I play mindless match games on my phone. 

But more and more often in those moments, I acknowledge, I choose acceptance, or take action, or trust that all will work out, and turn to love and faith. It’s really all I can do. And guess what, it does pass, I can cope and mental suffering diminishes.

Just sometimes the taking actions is Best Fiends for 20 minutes, just sayin’

Age vs Energy

There’s always so much chatter about aging, getting older, combatting aging, anti-aging, blah blah blah - it’s obviously a huge opportunity for marketing products, services and botox. 

It is often a brutal kick in the ass when you look in the mirror one day and see the signs on your face, or that longing nostalgia when you see an old picture of yourself younger and then…compare…with yourself…that’s not ever a good thing. I won’t even go into the media and the images we are bombarded with.

This is even harder when you have gone through cancer treatment and it seems like the aging is accelerated, like one year you were energetic, fun loving, cute, had great hair and light in your eyes, and next thing you know, aches, exhaustion, dull skin, weird ass hair (not ass hair, that does not happen), sadness in your eyes, and you are a different person, in too short of a time for it to feel ok. 

I’m not immune to all of this, I am not gonna gloss over it all and say it’s easy, but I do have a lot to say on the alternative perspectives and I believe in them deeply.  I will admit that genetically and perhaps lifestyle-y I am blessed with a propensity to appear younger than my number age, or what people think my number age is supposed to look like, and this is part of the comparison problem, everyone is truly different at a base level and sometimes we just can’t have what we wish we had when it comes to some physical things, c’est la vie.

Genetics aside, I still have hair ravaged by cancer treatment, a face that does not look like it did even 5 years ago let alone 15 and other “signs” if aging that depending on the day I find hard to accept - it really all has to do with my mood and how much I’m showing up for the other joy seeking moments in my life. 

But we can change our thoughts, this is in our power and it’s a powerful thing. 

Consider the quote in the photo attached in this post -  “I don’t believe in age, I believe in energy. Don’t let age dictate what you can and cannot do” - said by Tao Porchon-Lynch who taught yoga till she was 100 years old, so much packed in here.  You might say but age IS a factor in why I can’t…but the reality is, there is someone out there the same age that is doing that thing, so it could be said that the number age is not a factor.

I so believe in energy, and attitude and living an authentic vibrant life where you choose joy as much as possible. I also believe in exercise and incredible nutrition and stress reducing practices. These all contribute to that energy that Porchon-Lynch is referring to in that quote.  

Think about the Rolling Stones, and of course specifically Mick Jagger.  It seems impossible that he can move and dance and sing like that “at his age”, and the anomaly that is Kieth Richards, who’s hard living lifestyle is notorious, so many memes about that guy. But I think there’s a log to be said about the fact that they still do what they love, they ARE musicians, and they live the life they love and have fun (at least what we can see from what is shown to us the mere public).  

Another public person I admire who has a wonderful perspective on age is Diane Von Furstenberg - she says “I think that people are too afraid of aging. But aging is a good thing. Aging proves that you have already lived”  I love this.  

I realize that both these celebrity examples have some money and privilege and genetics to contribute to embracing a lifestyle that might make some of these things softer to absorb but I believe that it’s within all of our reach to change something in our outlook 

If we weren’t getting older that means we would be dead. Some of the issue could bee n the words, aging vs getting older.  Aging maybe sounds like something that’s declining and nearing the end, getting old is just…years passing.  

Getting older means being more wise, developing more compassion for ourselves and for others, more experiences to enrich and flavor our lives, and definitely means having way less fucks to give.  

Wrinkles do not change that, not running marathons or taking cross fit does not change that. Not that age has to affect those things either!  

A little botox or filler if that makes you happy is not a terrible thing - but nothing changes if your outlook and perspective don’t change too. 

So here’s my prescription for love your age no matter what:

1. do what makes you happy

2. move your body as joyfully as possible 

3. acknowledge your incredible experiences thus far

4. gratitude for LIFE and being alive

5. and it doesn’t hurt to eat vibrant life-force giving foods and not doing harmful things like smoking or drinking 

6. practice stress reducing stuff like mediation and sound baths and all that juicy stuff

Also - Dr. Michael Greger wrote an AMAZING book called How Not To Age that will blow your everloving mind - highly recommend.  

Life is too short to waste your energy on trying to combat things out of your control, and too wonderful to not practice and enjoy the things that are.  We are all dying, none of us know when, so find that glitter in the every day

If you are a cancer thriver you know that all too well and if that’s a struggle for you - I’m here for you, reach out

Perfect

I recently celebrated my 56th birthday, in Marfa TX, and it was perfect.

Marfa is my favorite place to be, so that was one perfect box checked. I was solo, which I must admit is something a treasure. The weather was amazing, I signed up for a noon yoga class at Big Sky Yoga, then I walked to the Sentinel (the best coffee shop in the world) to get an iced oat matcha, I got my favorite vegan sandwich at Bordo (the best sandwich in the world, not lying) using a gift card my friend Kelly, who’s house I’m in, left for me when I arrived, then had a super affirming and profound tarot reading with Alexis at Ocotillo Botanica one of my fave magic shops. 

Later I took a nap which is unheard of, woke up and cooked dinner using local pink oyster mushrooms that I bought at The Get Go then popped over to Planet Marfa because randomly my friends band the Born Twins were playing there.  A perfect birthday.

I didn’t even mention the solo dance party to Proud Mary (the Tina Turner version), morning tea on the porch watching the sun rise, and the overall sense of freedom I get just being out here in the desert. I just feel good here. No, I feel amazing here. 

I remember someone in my past having umbrage with the word perfect - their sentiment being that it set one up too much for failure, or an unobtainable desire.  A false sense of what the perfect world looks like, so therefore constant disappointment.  I get that, really, I do, we’ve all heard people say quotes like “progress not perfection” or “better done than none”, and perfectionism as a negative personality trait.  

Hear me out - my thoughts are that this angle of looking at perfection is based on societal and big media definitions, images and marketing, and yes, with all that in mind, striving for perfection is futile, self-esteem destroying and painful. 

So, for me the joy and the insight here is in knowing and feeling what is perfect for YOU, and then even further, being open to that being an evolving ever changing thing, so that you are not in fact ever reaching a place of ultimate perfection and being ok with that. So in actuality - perfection is in every moment - in some way - at all times.  Even when it doesn’t feel like it

2 Years

This morning, May 13 2024 as I write this, I got out my journal to do some morning writing and accidentally opened the book to May 14th 2023 - it was mothers day - and that entry was so full of pain and angst. It surprised me.  That’s not my common state and it was also 1 year in, it read like a post from the begining days of stage 4. But I spoke of the exhaustion of 1 year of of living this way, 1 year of DAILY waking up to a life with stage 4 cancer, of making health decisions, of discerning which healing path or modality, of keeping sprits up, of worrying, of seeking joy. I wrote of feeling sludgy and heavy and tired. I expressed overwhelm, turmoil, exhaustion and disbelief that my life was such a roller coaster managing all of this.  Ok this is scary to write, but I also wrote these words “I can’t find the will, the reason for living today, the thing that makes all this worth it, when will it stop? when I’m dead? Right now that sounds easier” 

I almost can’t believe I wrote that and felt that, but I’m glad I did. It makes me emotional to read, but it feels good and it’s important to be reminded of all the aspects of of this diagnosis.  I did find the joy and purpose again and not long after that I took my first plane trip in a million years to Costa Rica for that first Compass yoga retreat and felt so alive and amazing. But this does remind me that I will feel that despair again and I will feel the joy again.  Trust the process and know that spark of hope is always there and the light will come back.  I have to know that to keep me resilient. 

I explore some spiritual teachings with a mentor of mine in Marfa TX and we recently had a discussion about the energy of the mother, how she can hold you in an uncompromising embrace which allows for the surrender, the safety and comfort to allow the feelings to exist, to allow fo the falling apart. I’m not sure that i felt that embrace completely a year ago but I must have to a have allowed those words to flow from me. Now I am much more centered in that energy and am willing to explore more discomfort in order to move through to more and more and more ease. 

I looked back at a previous writing about struggle and ease that I just finished just before starting this post and I wrote about how existence is hard, so it was poignant to be reminded of that hard right now when I feel so much ease. I embrace all of me and all of this crazy experience - I contain multitudes 

Quiet Struggle

Quiet Struggle  

When my son was about 4, we were at Jovita’s watching some music, my friend Jeff Johnston was playing the musical saw and Gabriel came and whispered in my ear - mommy, that sounds like a quiet struggle - chills from that creative insightful child

Yoga is often touted to be a microcosm of life. What we experience, feel, think on the mat, ideally can embed in our psyches, and transform in to ways to cope with the trials of humanness. 

Our first day in Tulum back in February at Amansala resort for the Compass yoga retreat - this guy Ryan spoke at our welcome orientation about one of the activity options, the cold plunge, and he offered us this little ditty of a quote “If you do hard shit your life gets easy, if you do easy shit your life gets hard” or something like that

Yes the freaking cold plunge is hard as heck, but this concept applies well to that aforementioned yoga example.  Challenging poses, hard balances, strenuous vinyasa, and the breathing and getting through them are that analogy.  Do the hard things on the mat, and enjoy the ease of the aftermath.

I do get that and I do see the truth and value…I get that you have to do hard stuff sometimes to get to the juicy goodness 

But y’all.  

My existence OVERALL is hard. A cancer diagnosis is hard.  A metastatic diagnosis is extra hard. Waking up everyday and maneuvering the world living with cancer is so hard even when I’m doing nothing.  

So when I chose my word of the year this year - EASE - I didn’t realize the deep impact.  

I knew in my heart that that’s what I wanted for this year, the second full year in this life. 

The time period before felt like I was striving to figure out how to live, how to get on an airplane, how best to live my best life, what healing things were right for me, how to simply exist in this new existence 

This year I want to settle in a bit more and have things come to me, or come easier.  But I wasn’t specific in that intention.  just ease..

It became more clear this week in Tulum, the yoga was challenging, lots of hard, two times a day, and I definitely took it easy a lot of the time as I know my body. Some easeful walks on the beach, early morning sunrise watchings with ginger tea. Some of the gals did sign up for the cold plunges, I kept remembering that kind of cliche phrase that Ryan threw out there at the beginning of the retreat, and I deeply trusted my intuition that that was NOT the hard i needed.  That’s all, just knowing inside what is the hard that is right for me, not just because someone says this is the thing, or it’s marketed as the key to ease and the answer to a better life.

I think ultimately this is a lesson on intuition and knowing yourself and trust  - oh and zero regrets.  Pangs of “should I?” “am i missing out?” come and go with different loudness but I don’t let them linger, and again I affirm that I trust in my inner knowing and the universe’s support in all things. 

I think about the sound of that musical saw - odd, beautiful, slightly ghostly, kind of sad, mesmerizing, and I think of the words  - a quiet struggle - and that is what it feels like to live with metastatic cancer, the struggles are often quiet, unseen, plaintive and also beautiful - because I’m alive and it’s part of the song 

The Mex in Mex

OMG - 2 hours so far in San Miguel de Allende and I’m 1000% smitten.  The Mex I was seeking, the mex that flows in my blood, that brings me to tears and feels connected to my soul and my ancestors - is what I feel here already.  

and to top it off I’m fresh of the miracle news from my 3 months scans1

yes miracle news - It seems I’ve had what is known as a complete response from treatment - my Dr doest say NEAD - no evidence of active disease, maybe it’s his style, maybe i need to be at this for longer, or what - but essentially thats what it is.  The measurable spots of metastasis in my body are NO LONGER DETECTABLE, as in not there.

It’s the most unusual feeling - there’s joy and ecstatic gratitude, mixed with disbelief, tinged with fear and and urge to minimize. 

Or to qualify with all the other realities of a metastatic disease diagnosis. (which are true, I will always be on treatment, I will always be monitored every 3 months)

But I’m here in Mexico, in an stunningly beautiful place - about to join some goddesses and true friends for a 5 days of yoga and ceremony and adventure  - which has now turned into a true celebration of life and miracles 

(side note, the hotel restaurant I’m in is pretty empty, and this group of 4 just came and sat at the 2 top table right next to me and so the tears that are coming as I write about this are super awk - wtf)