This morning, May 13 2024 as I write this, I got out my journal to do some morning writing and accidentally opened the book to May 14th 2023 - it was mothers day - and that entry was so full of pain and angst. It surprised me. That’s not my common state and it was also 1 year in, it read like a post from the begining days of stage 4. But I spoke of the exhaustion of 1 year of of living this way, 1 year of DAILY waking up to a life with stage 4 cancer, of making health decisions, of discerning which healing path or modality, of keeping sprits up, of worrying, of seeking joy. I wrote of feeling sludgy and heavy and tired. I expressed overwhelm, turmoil, exhaustion and disbelief that my life was such a roller coaster managing all of this. Ok this is scary to write, but I also wrote these words “I can’t find the will, the reason for living today, the thing that makes all this worth it, when will it stop? when I’m dead? Right now that sounds easier”
I almost can’t believe I wrote that and felt that, but I’m glad I did. It makes me emotional to read, but it feels good and it’s important to be reminded of all the aspects of of this diagnosis. I did find the joy and purpose again and not long after that I took my first plane trip in a million years to Costa Rica for that first Compass yoga retreat and felt so alive and amazing. But this does remind me that I will feel that despair again and I will feel the joy again. Trust the process and know that spark of hope is always there and the light will come back. I have to know that to keep me resilient.
I explore some spiritual teachings with a mentor of mine in Marfa TX and we recently had a discussion about the energy of the mother, how she can hold you in an uncompromising embrace which allows for the surrender, the safety and comfort to allow the feelings to exist, to allow fo the falling apart. I’m not sure that i felt that embrace completely a year ago but I must have to a have allowed those words to flow from me. Now I am much more centered in that energy and am willing to explore more discomfort in order to move through to more and more and more ease.
I looked back at a previous writing about struggle and ease that I just finished just before starting this post and I wrote about how existence is hard, so it was poignant to be reminded of that hard right now when I feel so much ease. I embrace all of me and all of this crazy experience - I contain multitudes