There’s so much I wanna do

I just got some of the best news a metastatic cancer survivor can get. No evidence of active disease in my scans. Yay.

Why is it so hard to celebrate, to truly absorb that deep in my bones, where it builds sparks of momentum, takes over and then in turn releases out to the ethers in bursts of pure joy. That’s how I imagined it would be.

I almost had that feeling the FIRST time I got that news. And that’s why it’s not there now. I know from experience the reality of this shitty disease. I think I would get that orgasmic effervescent joy if the oncologist said, Nanette, guess what, there’s no active disease and there never will be and you can stop treatment and you will live as long as you are naturally supposed to live which is really old. Then I would feel it.

So - I think about dying sooner than I want to, and though I refuse to live in the precious present moment with regrets and chagrin, my head is spinning wildly with the overwhelming feeling and knowledge that THERE IS STILL SO MUCH I WANT TO DO.

I don’t want to feel like there’s not time and I don’t want to live with bucket list energy.

But there are so many things.

I’ve never been to Oaxaca

I’ve never sang in a pop/punk band like Cub & The Muffs, I would’ve been so good

I’ve never owned a home in Marfa

I haven’t visited London enough

I haven’t met Mick Jagger

I’ve never had the body I wanted, although I probably did and didn’t know or appreciate it, thanks eating disorders and diet culture

I’ve never lived in LA

I’ve never sang Never Going Back Again with Jeff Berkley around a camp fire at Kerrville Folk Festival

I’ve never lived in my dream mid-century modern house

I’ve never had a dinner party in my house

I’ve never led a yoga retreat for survivors

I’ve never owned a Rolex

I still want to have my house designed by a designer in true Mexico house color explosion

I still want to see the Stones again

I want to see all my great nieces and nephews go to school and know me

Theres’s more, people, there’s more, but it’s becoming a listicle and it kinda hurts to dive deeper into some of the personal things

So because I love my life and because I want to honor and reflect on the jubilance of the life I have and have lived, here’s that list - and trust me, this makes me maybe even more emotional and it’s painful, but good lord it also helps

I’ve seen the Rolling Stones more times than fingers on one hand (thanks mom and Wayne)

I grew up in the most amazing city - London, thanks mom & Dad - it shaped my entire life, culture, taste and my penchant for musicians, a lifetime affliction/joy. It also gave me the best friend in the world - Claudia P

I’ve seen the great water fountain in Geneva

Stayed in a chalet in the Alps

Eaten warm baguettes on the streets of Paris

Ate Wienerschnitzel in towns along the Rhine (yes, believe it or not, there was once a time I wasn’t vegan - the horror)

Got lost in Leningrad/St Petersburg and terrified my mom

Eaten fries with mayonnaise in Amsterdam

I’ve owned Miu Miu shoes - 2 pairs actually. wish I still had them

I’ve gone on epic solo road trips that made me feel free and beautiful

I’ve visited Mexico all my life - it’s half me, thanks Papa

I had a great and fun marriage, which in it’s wake gave me a best friend in my ex

I married a rock star and went to the Grammy’s

I have 2 of the coolest most creative amazing kids and I actually raised them and they are adults - this is the biggest blessing - my young MBC friends don’t have that guarantee and it makes me want to scream for weeks

I have incredible friends all over that have shown me love and support in ways I didn’t know existed and it gives me hope and its taught me about receiving

I’ve had a pretty fulfilling successful career that I figured out how to love at some point

I’ve been to some of the most fucking amazing rock shows, some huge and many small - I remember some in such detail - Cub & The Muffs at Electric Lounge, Imperial Teen at the Troubadour, actually all three of those bands anytime I saw them. I can’t even begin to list shows, just know it’s an epic list starting at 11 when Gary Numan changed my life

I’ve been to Wimbledon

I’ve had some great lovers (sorry mom and kids)

I bought a house all by my little self

I rode the Rattler at Six Flags even though I hated it with all my heart

I’ve had perfect bangs - thanks all my hair artistes

again - I gotta cut it off, this isn’t my life story. This was exhausting but I’ll tell you a secret, I cried for 2 hours remembering and writing and listening to music and now I’ve stopped. I haven’t cried in a hot minute and I needed it, and also I needed to move through it and this was the medium

I don’t really know how to end this so I’ll do it this way

The end