i had my first oncologist appointment since chemo, my first 4 month follow up. I was excited to see my onc again, happy for him to see how happy and good i have been doing.
My follow ups do not involve scans, that's a thrill. Just blood work & dr visit.

when i got there though i started to feel fragile. emotional. we went over the blood work and it all looked good, nothing was in an alarming range of low or high. but any # that was in red, or that had changed, i felt nervous about and questioned.

so the rest of the day, instead of feeling happy i felt deflated. Like i think after surgury & chemo and excellent prognosis, along with feeling so damn good, i felt invincible and recurrence wasn't a concern. But being at an appointment, that i know i have to go to probably for the rest of my life, to check on this, made me feel less than invincible, more vulnerable and raw. and scared.

it was like i had a little bit of the feeling of life before cancer where you know that this stuff doesn't happen to you. getting cancer again doesn't happen to me. but the appointments introduce the option of doubt

of course i know i'm luckier than many - but i still wish this wasn't me