I had my last chemo session on October 12th, that date!! It seemed so far away this SUMMER when i got the chemo schedge. Then it came so fast. Weird how life still happens in the midst of impossible-ness.

I have to say this first, I feel VERY VERY lucky that my protocol, my "type", my situation, called for only 4 chemo infusions, and that those infusions conisted of a chemo cocktail that is not as harsh and debilitating as many many others. It still is crappy, but not as crappy as it could be. for that i am grateful

So....for this milestone, i had my "full moon girls", Cory & Beth with me. They are special and tho i may see one or the other,or they may see each other periodically, getting the 3 of us at one time is epic power. So it had to be. Helped that Cory brought killer vegan lunch from a new food trailer called Concious Cravings.

Full Moon Sisters

I had heard about the tradition of confettin & ringing the bell on your last day, but by the time i was done, it was super empty and i was feeling self concious about making a to do. But i had one of those magic moments that only happens in the cancer club. I spotted a woman there who was visitng another patient, she looked familiar, i had seen her at a BCRC event months before and had the same feeling. But this time i got it, i used to know her, our 12 year olds had been in pre-school together. I'd been to her house. I remembered that she had fought this battle way back. I couldn't remember her name. She had short hair, she knew all the nurses, i wondered if she was back in. When she walked by i said HEY, i KNOW you! remmeber, ect... she did. She is back in, stage 4 lifer.

We had a nourishing catch up, you people tell me i'm inpiring, meet her, she made me so happy with her spirit. She was a like a glowy wood sprite, magical, cute.

anywayssss, she wouldn't hear of no confetti, so she made it happen, i rang the bell, i went home.

weird emotions, happy to be done with that, beyond happy. Guilty it was comparitavely easy. Sad to not be going anymore. I know, that's weird, but it's there. Dread as usual with how i knew i was going to feel.
fear in a way, that now, well in a few weeks, i can't "use" chemo, i have to become accountable, responible for my health, efficient with my time, present with my children, stuff i long for, but stuff i'm not as used to. I can't blame a sugar extravaganza on chemo cravings, I can't blame flaky on chemo brain, you get the idea.

So now, i'm still exhausted to the max, what's different is knowing that it's over. knowing that 3 weeks from October 12th will be like new territory, each day after 3 weeks will be a step towards feeling normal. It makes me want to over achieve. But i was reminded that chemo can stay in your body for up to a year, so i guess i do have a while....i'll try to chill

So...what now. Well. now it's time to focus on the boobs. I still need to go for a few more expansions. Then in December i will have my replacement surgury. Where the plasitc surgeon will remove these horrible uncomfortable yucky expanders and place lovely silicon implants. i can't wait. I have heard this surgury is a piece o cake in comparison. so yay.

I will start my 5 years of Tamoxifen in a week. Weird to think of taking something for 5 years. I am trying not to read too much about side affects. It is what it is. I have to deal.

I will start excercising more, little by little, i'm joining a 12 week program at the Y through livestrong. I need more yoga. I would like to lose the weight i gained during chemo.

appointments and follow ups and scans, i guess they will be part of my life.

Oh yeah, and my hair!! i am so ready for that.

I am soooo due for an actual update!
Had my first chemo session August 10th - at Texas Oncology. i wasn't nervous, just more apprehensive and strangely looking forward to it, to get it going, and to have an excuse to sit for 4 hours and veg.
I was however nervous about them accessing my port for the first time - turns out it was hard for the first nurse to get a line, and it hurt a little, then another nurse came in and got it right away, this was for blood draw initialy, then for the chemo IVs.

Then a chat with my lovely dear sweet oncologist, i adore him. then off to the infusion room. As i didn't go to the "chemo class" it was all kinda new to me, it was a bit more clinical than i thought, and seeing all the other patients sitting with IVs was a little sad.
My nurse explained how the scene was gonna go down, first this drip, then that drug, then this blah blah blah.

i really don't know why i look surprised - these chairs are superlazyboys, nice

My friend Kati took me and stayed with me the whole time, AND Jennifer came to visit for a while as she had a follow up appointment anyway.

me and kati

I took an ativan before going so i was really relaxed, i read mags, tweeted/texted/emailed on my bb, dozed, and chatted, it was really kinda nice. I guess i'm lucky that the drugs i get do not effect me as they go in, so all in all it was a pleasant experience - weird huh...

I blame the ativan and vicodin for this pic

so.... side effects: I didn't start feeling bad till the third day - and i can only describe it as like a bad hangover maybe, just generaly feeling like crap, heavy, zero appetite, tired, draggy. then for a couple of days i felt ok in the day to work showing houses a bit, but the evening, i would get bad stomach pain and bone aches, so much so that i had to get in bed and take something for the pain. Pair this with the fact that i had my kids back, AND their free camp for kids who's parents have cancer was cancelled. But they were good, sweet, and let me rest. There were moments where i felt so down that i was scared and angry and sad that i had to feel this way because of a stupid disease and an evil drug that i need. And i felt dread at the thought of the other sessions. I know they are supposed to get worse each time. and i won't have hair next time

THEN after a week, i felt great, super good energy, NORMAL :) so much that i took my poor kids on a mini trip (blog post later)
Ok - so that's round 1, i hope round 2 on August 31st is the same, i can handle that.....