been a while....need more glitter

wow, so it's been a month ish that i've written here. I guess it's been a pretty rough month and i didn't feel like whine writing. sometimes it helps but sometimes it gets on my own nerves to hear me.

it's been a rough month for a number of reasons. i think a lot has to do emotionaly with a coming down of sorts from the drama of surgury & chemo. now it's past, life is getting back to normal, except it's not.

I started Tamoxifen - that could have a lot to do with it. it can cause emotional shit & depression. I thought i was weepy before?? it sucks

I've finished getting the expanders expanded, but the last three were super painful & uncomfortable, shockingly so. No as I await surgery the pain is gone but they are still ridic uncomfortable. I don't know how to dress even sometimes.

Finances have been a strain - in real estate you have to be always working a few months ahead to keep it steady, screeching to a halt this summer is still affecting me. Working my ass off now. Loving it but disheartening for earnings not to be reliable like a job job

I want my head hear to be more normal, it is growing back tho, but i can see how slow it's gonna be, i'm ready for the Ellen do.
And this today, i noticed that my eybrows are now falling out. 6 weeks since my last chemo!!!???  seems unfair. I'm patching together normalness, this feels like a set back.

ok purged. done. I am not great at wallowing. don't worry, i have cried a ton. I just know that if i get too caught up in the sad i won't move forward somewhere. I have to work, i have to be a good mom, i have to make money and i like those things, so i don't want to mess them up.
I will go to Sephora this weekend and ask a girl or guy there to help, and i will purchase some excellent brow product no matter how much it costs.  Maybe i need a new glitter eyeliner to remind me?

PS - my replacemnt surgery is December 14th - for you lay people - that's new boob surgery. yahooooooo

crappy chemo side effect of the day

i guess you could post a post a day about each crappy side effect, and i suppose different chemo patients would have varying degrees of crapiness.  Sometimes we all feel we can relate to each other, but sometimes we notice how each experience is unique. 
but today, what is bugging me the most is the crying, like pms hormone to the MAX. i can't stop. it's ridic. everything makes me cry:
this episode of chopped
my 12 year old's trials & tribulations, successes & failures
my 9 year olds cute exhaustion that only comes from a good time
happy pretty people walking around town
my friends 1 year old son at the children's museum, innocent smile
the fact that i'm happy
the fact that i'm not done yet
my low GI cookbook (see, it's not your average cry fest)
kindness
my cute daddy
a poem
the past
the future
my tiredness
my reflection
the love

Chemo Round #3

wow, i just realized i never posted about this round, it was 2 weeks ago. I guess cos really it was in some ways uneventful, and in many ways so much worse than round 2. it really kinda wore me down.
let's see...
In between 2 & 3, my white blood count got really low, as expected, but they were worried and put me on atibiotic. For some reason this put in a funk, and it also meant i couldn't get expanded on my usual day, delay delay delay, hard to accept.
Sooooo, i went for expansion the day after Chemo #3, my white blood cells were up again enough, enough to not need Neulasta shot again (thank goodness)  - but not long after the expansion appointment i started to feel so sick, bed ridden sick, i got a fever that reached 102.  Nurses said probably was inflamation due to the expanding, and to watch to make sure i didn't get an ifection in the chest area. I didn't. I stayed in bed and watched 3 movies in a row, fever went down, i didn't puke.  but yeah, felt pretty bad till about sunday. I missed attending a closing. Luckily i have wonderful understanding clients. but i had a closing! yay.
oh, and my AC was broken, for some reason i was ok with it till about thursday. My amazing next door neighbor took matters into her hands and called a highly reccomended and "cheap" AC guy. and offered to pay unless it was really huge. Not only was it not huge, but they guy only charged $50, he said it was "his part". The kindess of him, my neighbor, the universe - again makes my knees week. It makes me so emotional. and grateful.

Since then...well, good. My funk lifted mostly, my energy returned mostly. I'm still more tired, deep tired, than i've ever known. I'm emotional, on edge, sometimes peaceful, tired of it, happy it's almost over. Feeling like isolating somewhat, scared of germs. roller coastery. irritated. empowered. scared. yep, all of the above.

Just had the 2 week post chemo blood test results yeterday, white blood low, but no antibiotic this time. Red blood up a bit. Don't hug me if you see me. I feel it. exhaustion is in the bones. And i hate worrying about crowds and germs. I just flaked on recording a video for clear channel for race for the cure because i'm too tired & don't want to be around so many peeps. hate flaking.

I had an appointment with the amazing Dr. Luepnitz (nutritional oncologist)  and feel confident that his work will really help my body strengthen & recover from the ravages of chemo as well as add to my arsenal of remaining cancer free for life.

I'm dreading round #4 but i know it will be over so trying not to dwell....

Chemo Round 2

I was late to this appointment because 1. i am not used to putting on total make-up, it um...takes longer & 2. i didn't give myself scarf practice time, this was day after shave day, i had a mini fit of panic, but got it in the end.

My darling friend Laurie who braved this trail just before me, met me there to hang for a while. We share the same oncologist, you should have seen his face when he walked in the room and saw us both there. he was all "what???" her support has meant the world to me.  Laurie also brought me a latte - joy.

Port access was easier, i didn't have to get med explanation, all in all uneventful and cozy. it's odd how i  sort of look forward to it.

Beth came to visit too


I lounged out and read magazines


One thing that was different, i got less of the steroid, because i suffered from really bad stomach pains last time, sort of acidy.

As a result of this i think, i felt much sicker sooner. Night of day two, morning of day three were bad. I conveniently remembered the 1 million anti nausea meds i had and that miraculously did the trick on thursday morning. So i was able to get to my beloved accupuncture appointment with Dr. He

Another interesting point, is that altho my white blood count was low at 2 weeks as it was supposed to be, it had climbed high enough by the infusion day that i did not need the shot of Neulasta which i was dreading.

I am wondering if it is the accupuncture & chinese herbs that are helping that. I also wonder if they can be attributed to my quick recoveries. Who knows. I just know that after that bad 24 hours i really only felt blah-ish and super tired.  I had a low point on saturday night again. but i blame that on the return of the offspring - hehehe. they do wear me out more than if i were alone.

Now it's tuesday as i write this and i have been working, both showing houses and on the computer, running errands, talking small walks doing yoga at home, and attempting pupusa making with my brother




 And i'm half way there....

Chemo Round 1

I am soooo due for an actual update!
Had my first chemo session August 10th - at Texas Oncology. i wasn't nervous, just more apprehensive and strangely looking forward to it, to get it going, and to have an excuse to sit for 4 hours and veg.
I was however nervous about them accessing my port for the first time - turns out it was hard for the first nurse to get a line, and it hurt a little, then another nurse came in and got it  right away, this was for blood draw initialy, then for the chemo IVs.

Then a chat with my lovely dear sweet oncologist, i adore him. then off to the infusion room. As i didn't go to the "chemo class" it was all kinda new to me, it was a bit more clinical than i thought, and seeing all the other patients sitting with IVs was a little sad.
My nurse explained how the scene was gonna go down, first this drip, then that drug, then this blah blah blah.


i really don't know why i look surprised - these chairs are superlazyboys, nice

My friend Kati took me and stayed with me the whole time, AND Jennifer came to visit for a while as she had a follow up appointment anyway.

me and kati

I took an ativan before going so i was really relaxed, i read mags, tweeted/texted/emailed on my bb, dozed, and chatted, it was really kinda nice.  I guess i'm lucky that the drugs i get do not effect me as they go in, so all in all it was a pleasant experience - weird huh...


I blame the ativan and vicodin for this pic
so.... side effects: I didn't start feeling bad till the third day - and i can only describe it as like a bad hangover maybe, just generaly feeling like crap, heavy, zero appetite, tired, draggy. then for a couple of days i felt ok in the day to work showing houses a bit, but the evening, i would get bad stomach pain and bone aches, so much so that i had to get in bed and take something for the pain. Pair this with the fact that i had my kids back, AND their free camp for kids who's parents have cancer was cancelled. But they were good, sweet, and let me rest. There were moments where i felt so down that i was scared and angry and sad that i had to feel this way because of a stupid disease and an evil drug that i need. And i felt dread at the thought of the other sessions. I know they are supposed to get worse each time. and i won't have hair next time

THEN after a week, i felt great, super good energy, NORMAL :)  so much that i took my poor kids on a mini trip (blog post later)
Ok - so that's round 1, i hope round 2 on August 31st is the same, i can handle that.....

hair - redux

yeah, today i feel the first signs of the hair falling out - i'm on the verge of tears constantly, even though of course i was expecting this, and i was even expecting to feel this way, i still feel unprepared to cope.

I have scarves galore, i have an appointment with the American Cancer Society for my 2 free wigs, i have confidence somewhere inside me, but i still want to cry, and i still don't want it to happen.

i also have a beautiful silk pillow case that my friend Christina from My Soul to Keep gave me, supposed to be good for all this

PS did you know the Amercian Cancer Society will give cancer patients 2 free wigs with a fitting and everything? AND they also offer Look Good, Feel Better program which includs a free makeup kit, to help with makeup & stuff durinig treatemt? Look it up, it's awesome

...just like a woman

Ok, here's the scoop everyone is waiting for...my treatment plan, first facts - then feelings:

(oh and i'm listening to Blonde on Blonde as i write, which both comforts me and makes my eyes well up, Dylan always has a way of allowing me to feel how i feel, if you know what i mean)

Thursday July 8th I'm going in for bilateral mastectomy with reconstruction using tissue expanders, i want the works :-)  - during surgery they will also insert a port, because July 27th i will be starting the dreaded chemo.

I will be getting TC chemo, 4 rounds every 3 weeks.  i kept hoping i would magically be exempt, but my oncotype testing, despite my strong progesterone & estrogent receptor positive-ness, still put me slightly into the intermedeate range of reccurance within 5 years.

After chemo is done, I will have the replacement surgury, and from what i've seen and heard, it's a piece o cake and the joy of no  more tisssue expanders overtakes it all.

then 5 years of tamoxifin

so weird that so much of this is my choice to make - but i felt such a strong pull to doing whaterthefuck it takes to ensure that on the other side, i live the best happiest, as low stress as poss, ultimate quality of life. And not undergoing all this stuff, would mean too much worry, what iffs, diligent monitoring, all the stress inducing stuff that actually is a factor in getting cancer.

I don't wanna lose my hair, little by little i try to get to picturing it, imagining what i will do ect.. Jenn, my exhusbandscurrentwife had the cutest scarves when she was in chemo, she learned them by watching african american hair videos on youtube, who knew. She'll teach me :)
Everyone says i need a hot pink bob wig, haha, it's true i do.
I admit, i'm kinda excited about the cute short haircuts i will have as it grows back, i always want to cut it but never have the nerve. In fact i will probably get one pixieish cut right before chemo.

I feel at peace, it is what it is, like i said, i kept hoping i would be magically exempt from the whole ugly scoop because i'm Nanette and i'm special,  but somwhere in the last week, i came to realize that this is what it takes, thousands of amazing women do this and worse. I'm not special in cancer. we all are.  I will be special in other ways.
i am scared tho

AND - I'm determined to make it the Bob Dylan show August 4th

Just Like a Woman - lyrics by Bob Dylan

Nobody feels any pain

Tonight as I stand inside the rain
Ev'rybody knows
That Baby's got new clothes
But lately I see her ribbons and her bows
Have fallen from her curls
She takes just like a woman, yes she does
She makes love just like a woman, yes she does
And she aches just like a woman
But she breaks just like a little girl