...she never stumbles

i feel like on this day i should post about how grateful i am for how far i've come and all the blessings i have, and i really do feel that, truly i do.  but i feel stuck in a bit of a self pity rut of how hard everything is. I don't enjoy it, it's not my style really. but here i sit, thinking how lucky everyone else is and feeling lacking in things, coping skills, easy buttons, glitter...

welp, i will do something that always reminds me of who i am, and how i reallyfeel, listen to Dylan. It's like he gets me to just be in the exact moment of the moment  - that's all we have. It's like getting to the roots of me. it is, a Dylan album was the first album i ever heard in my life.

so i give you all this song to hear - i just listened to it about 8 times in a row and remembered who i am & i feel a little more adjusted :)  "she's got everything she needs she's an artist she don't look back..."


PS i promise in a day or two i will give a physical update xxxxxooo - n

Highway 71 revisited...

this past thursday i attended my 7th Bob Dylan concert at the new Backyard....! My first was when i was 12. I'm 42.
I've talked Dylan in this blog before, and anyone who knows me well knows i'm a diehard fan. love him with a passion.
I bought tickets for this show, back when i knew i had breast cancer, but i had NO idea where i would be in the treatment of it. I just bought them and hoped.

my last post i updated that my final drains were finally removed, well since then i have steadily been feeling better & better, gaining strength and feeling more "me". I have started taking little walks in my neighborhood & doing some gentle yoga so by the time the Dylan show date came i felt like i was ready to handle it.
It was perfect.  We didn't park far, we got an excellent spacious spot with a great view of stage, and it was miraculously not too hot.

It was one of the best Dylan shows i've seen. He is sounding goooood, the band was amazing, the SOUND at the new Backyard was perfect, the setting ideal, the company loving, and i was there....i made it, and i felt good & happy throughout.

It feels special & right that my first post surgery night out was at Dylan, in the hill country with my best people. I am lucky.

Oh...and he played Stuck inside of Mobile with the Memphis Blues Again...ohhh mamaaa

...just like a woman

Ok, here's the scoop everyone is waiting for...my treatment plan, first facts - then feelings:

(oh and i'm listening to Blonde on Blonde as i write, which both comforts me and makes my eyes well up, Dylan always has a way of allowing me to feel how i feel, if you know what i mean)

Thursday July 8th I'm going in for bilateral mastectomy with reconstruction using tissue expanders, i want the works :-)  - during surgery they will also insert a port, because July 27th i will be starting the dreaded chemo.

I will be getting TC chemo, 4 rounds every 3 weeks.  i kept hoping i would magically be exempt, but my oncotype testing, despite my strong progesterone & estrogent receptor positive-ness, still put me slightly into the intermedeate range of reccurance within 5 years.

After chemo is done, I will have the replacement surgury, and from what i've seen and heard, it's a piece o cake and the joy of no  more tisssue expanders overtakes it all.

then 5 years of tamoxifin

so weird that so much of this is my choice to make - but i felt such a strong pull to doing whaterthefuck it takes to ensure that on the other side, i live the best happiest, as low stress as poss, ultimate quality of life. And not undergoing all this stuff, would mean too much worry, what iffs, diligent monitoring, all the stress inducing stuff that actually is a factor in getting cancer.

I don't wanna lose my hair, little by little i try to get to picturing it, imagining what i will do ect.. Jenn, my exhusbandscurrentwife had the cutest scarves when she was in chemo, she learned them by watching african american hair videos on youtube, who knew. She'll teach me :)
Everyone says i need a hot pink bob wig, haha, it's true i do.
I admit, i'm kinda excited about the cute short haircuts i will have as it grows back, i always want to cut it but never have the nerve. In fact i will probably get one pixieish cut right before chemo.

I feel at peace, it is what it is, like i said, i kept hoping i would be magically exempt from the whole ugly scoop because i'm Nanette and i'm special,  but somwhere in the last week, i came to realize that this is what it takes, thousands of amazing women do this and worse. I'm not special in cancer. we all are.  I will be special in other ways.
i am scared tho

AND - I'm determined to make it the Bob Dylan show August 4th

Just Like a Woman - lyrics by Bob Dylan

Nobody feels any pain

Tonight as I stand inside the rain
Ev'rybody knows
That Baby's got new clothes
But lately I see her ribbons and her bows
Have fallen from her curls
She takes just like a woman, yes she does
She makes love just like a woman, yes she does
And she aches just like a woman
But she breaks just like a little girl