Dear Boobs

today is the year anniversary of my mastectomy - i feel mostly fine but when i type that my eyes well up. i'm not sad sad, i'm emotional, and i can't beleive there was a day like that one year ago.
I remember goofing around pre surgery in my gown with my friend Kati. Then when the IV was put in and they started the drugs, i broke down, i finally thought the thought, this is the last day of this life i knew, the boobs i was born with, the boobs that fed my babies, the ones i recognized. I had zero, ZERO idea of what my life would be like a few hours from then.

it was fucking hard the next few weeks recovering, but i also look back at it as one of my favorite times of my life. fuzzy & cozy & so full of love from my peeps. i felt erased somehow, that's not really right, i still felt my old life but i felt a definite division, the past didn't matter and i was a new person, anew. it was oddly freeing. it started a phase that continues where i give less of a shit about the little things. and i know what i can go through, and deal with.

now i'm suprisingly well, i like my new boobs well enough, they certainly look great in clothes, scars ect are on their way to being faded and part of my norm. I still often avoid looking at myself fully, it's like looking past that person in the store you sorta know but dont' want to catch their eye.

 I don't often miss the old me, i decided a long time ago, when i got divorced, that there was no point hanging on to stuff you couldn't change. non attachment. vairagya in Sanskrit, I also draw on the notion of Santosha - contentment, my fav sanskrit word and a guiding principal of yoga philosophy.

Clearly it saved my life to lose them.

I'm having a great year

goodbye 2010

i kind of hate blaming a year, or thinking that things will be different because of a calendar. each day is a day to make it ours. nonetheless the new year is the ultmate time marker. and symbol of new hopes.
Tomorrow i write out my year goals, with my dear friend, in our matching wizard of oz journals, eating black eyed peas & greens, just like we did last year. I feel a bit more tentative and anxious. Last year i had strong motivatins, clear goals, wishes, plans. And the first part of the year seemed to be going as planned. And then i got breast cancer. not in the plan. it feels a bit scarier now. part of me has that - fuck last year, THIS year will rule, i'm gonna kick ass and then some to make up for it - feeling. another part of me has that - what's the point of planning when you have no control over what the eff happens in life - feeling. scary. everything is harder than it used to be. motivation & hope are a littl bit harder to find.

I am waiting till the moment to see what comes out onto my paper - Guess which one will probably win :)


update: i had my replacement surgery Dec 14th, it's been a bit rough. about 5 days after i started a fever and one side had several red patches. Got new strong antibiotics. Seemed to feel better after a couple of days, finshed the antibiotics. Then again a couple a days later one area got really red again and painful. So now i'm on antibiotics again. I am feeling a bit better just discouraged and reall really tired of not feeling great.
In other news, my hair is growing pretty nicely - i am so over scarves i'm not wearing them anymore, but it's too short for me to just wear out so i'm wearing a cute hat these days. Oh an my eyebrows are back already.

been a while....need more glitter

wow, so it's been a month ish that i've written here. I guess it's been a pretty rough month and i didn't feel like whine writing. sometimes it helps but sometimes it gets on my own nerves to hear me.

it's been a rough month for a number of reasons. i think a lot has to do emotionaly with a coming down of sorts from the drama of surgury & chemo. now it's past, life is getting back to normal, except it's not.

I started Tamoxifen - that could have a lot to do with it. it can cause emotional shit & depression. I thought i was weepy before?? it sucks

I've finished getting the expanders expanded, but the last three were super painful & uncomfortable, shockingly so. No as I await surgery the pain is gone but they are still ridic uncomfortable. I don't know how to dress even sometimes.

Finances have been a strain - in real estate you have to be always working a few months ahead to keep it steady, screeching to a halt this summer is still affecting me. Working my ass off now. Loving it but disheartening for earnings not to be reliable like a job job

I want my head hear to be more normal, it is growing back tho, but i can see how slow it's gonna be, i'm ready for the Ellen do.
And this today, i noticed that my eybrows are now falling out. 6 weeks since my last chemo!!!???  seems unfair. I'm patching together normalness, this feels like a set back.

ok purged. done. I am not great at wallowing. don't worry, i have cried a ton. I just know that if i get too caught up in the sad i won't move forward somewhere. I have to work, i have to be a good mom, i have to make money and i like those things, so i don't want to mess them up.
I will go to Sephora this weekend and ask a girl or guy there to help, and i will purchase some excellent brow product no matter how much it costs.  Maybe i need a new glitter eyeliner to remind me?

PS - my replacemnt surgery is December 14th - for you lay people - that's new boob surgery. yahooooooo

words words words

I really do believe that the words you say to yourself, your inner tapes, are incredibly powerful. It's not a new mega insightful revelation, positive affirmations have always been touted for creating good things in one's life, negative self messages are well known to eat away and damage self estem and confidence.

So when i remember, i do try to think and talk positively about this cancer, you know, everyone says the positive attitude is what gets you through...it's true i know i know, but i'm also realistic with myself and i cuss and cry and tell it all to fuck off now and then.

BUT the other day i had a super powerful experience around words, and changing them, and my attitude.
I was talking with a fellow warrior, she is further along than i and was talking about how even tho the Doc says it's fine, she feels worried & unconfortable laying on her stomach during yoga class.  I totally could relate and said  "well we've been through so much - i mean our chest area has been brutally..." and she seemlesly finished my sentance with "....mutilated"
Such strong and violent words, yet when we were talking they made me feel powerful, like yeah, heck yeah, that's what we'e been through, it sucks, it's hard, we're dealing. despite what's been done to us. power.

BUT a few minutes later i was doing some gentle yoga on my mat at home. I like to speak mantras to myself with my breath in passive poses, and i've been working alot with chest/heart opening poses, to physically counter the weeks of sitting on my couch and the effects of surgury, and to mentally open my heart to love & life. So as i stood in mountain, meditating, opening, the words came back to me, "brutally mutilated" and they just didn't feel right in my loving yoga practice.

SO i decided to reword it, change the experience. What came to me was "i was lovingly cared for and tended to by my doctors who worked on me with love and the desire to save my life and make me beautiful" (yeah, kinda long and not as impact-y as the original version)  - the result was more powerful. The feeling of gratitude overcame me.

it feels so much better to not feel like a VICTIM of all this - (even though it's still not fair)

schedule schmedule

i really need to stop with the expectations and planning
i always think of myself as so go with the flow and easy going, and really i am, but in this, i have found that counting days, figuring out when stuff is gonna happen or be over, gives me a sense of control, except it doesn't...

so first of all, i didn't start chemo on the 27th, i changed that to Aug 10th a while ago, cos somehow i just knew the 27th would be too soon. I was right.

I am recovering from surgery a bit slower than i expected.
the magical date of 2 weeks after surgery came, and my drains weren't ready to come out. 2 of them did, but the other 2 were nowhere close. drains are annoying, yucky, and constricting. my warddrobe is limited to the camisoles with pockets, the tube sites hurt. and it is frustrating to not be like i was supposed to be.
I'm also still in more pain and more tired than i imagined i would be.
Then i got a low grade fever &  some redness at one of the incision sites. Luckily i had a prescription for antibiotic on hand so hopefully that will take care of any potential infection.

Good news is today i did get the last two drains out - FREEDOM! sadly it hurt so effin much i cried my eyes out, and it pretty much wiped my whole day out. my poor sweet plastic surgeon wiped my eyes with tissue and joked i was crying tears of gratitude for my Dr. he felt so bad.
Also a bummer is that i didn't get expanded at all, i haven't once since surgery, he wants to wait till the redness goes.  this is when he said the words "you are a bit behind schedule, but it's all good" - thankfully what imprinted was the it's all good part. 
I take it as a lesson, to let go and be ok with a plan and schedule that is out of my control. And to trust.
I tend to catastrophize things if it's not EXACTLY how i was told or what i expected, and obsess that it must be all wrong.  The people around me are reaallllyyy good at recoginzing that and snapping me out of it. 

oh, and Dr H wants to walk on my Komen Race for the Cure Team, even though Beth & I warned him he would have to don a bedazzled tee shirt, i think it was the promise of Tito's bloody mary's. whatever, it's awesome.

post-op deets

hehe, hospital gown pre-op

hi friends...
so it's been a week & a half since surgery and just over a week since i got home. i think i needed to get out of the emotional & physical fog before i could update on here, i get exhausted talking, and also had i written during the initial post op haze there was high risk of major TMI - hahaha

the hospital stay is kind of a blur, but a fun one. I didn't have any pain really thanks to the lovely iv and constant flow of juice. i did often fall asleep mid conversation, or worse i remember waking up from little naps and dreams and start talking to whoever was there and have no idea what i was really talking about, that was cute. My best friends, mom & boyfriend were all there on & off the whole time. Elizabeth brought me a cupcake, took me for a walk around the ward, Beth helped me brush my teeth, Kati bombarded my room with hot pink roses, giant balloons & pink monkey, Laurie passed on "chemo bear" that i acutally snuggled one nap, Cory brought her sunshine as one of my first faces i remember coming into focus, my dude braved the dreaded cot to stay all night, Jan, Danielle, my bro even my cute dad, barely out of hospital himself. 
All the tweets & texts & facebook comments add to the super heart filling feelings that make all this so much more bearable.
Beinig home has been amazing too, many thanks to Roggie for setting up food delivery schedule, so nice knowing my fridge is constantly stocked with super healthy yummy foods.
Had some pain transitioning to pain meds at home, having the drains is a drag. being able to take a shower is a blessing yet it's a pain in the ass  to do and wears me out big time.
I'm surprisingly not stir crazy nor do i have cabin fever
I'm a bit bored and have watched more tv marathons on tbs, bravo, food network and tlc to last a lifetime.
the port site creeps me out a little, i won't go into detail but if you know what that is you know what i mean.
The expanders are as i heard, uncomfortable
I'm tired of being on pain meds - i wanna be all they way clear headed, but i'm learning to enjoy the veg
I was surprised at my OCD ness when i first got home, i never have had to tell people what to do in such detail before, am letting that go
Getting better at accepting all the help without guilt
At times the future vision is overwhelming and i cry, i can't imagine doing yoga, or running, or getting dressed in my usual clothes, i can't imagine myself  dealing with chemo after this, i can't picture myself with different boobs, being care free, and when i think of the final stage not being till Nov/Dec i can't breathe.
But then someone keeps me focused on now, and I'm OK, now.
Or i count my humongous blessings and see the big picture.
My fear of looking at my physical shape post surgery was bigger than the reality - i expected the worst emotionally, but found it strangely easy. This isn't "me" it's just the beginning, not the finished product.

so despite physical discomfort and expected tough emotions at times - i'm really doing well. and i owe so much of it to my loves who are taking care of my heart and body, esp my bf who is heroic in all he does for me - although he would not like to read that - i love you guys.
thanks also to the BCRC (breast cancer resource center)  for providing the ultra cute and handy camisoles to wear, they have pockets to hold the drains, BEST INVENTION EVER!

next up...drains OUT, expanders expanded...we'll see how that all goes down

...just like a woman

Ok, here's the scoop everyone is waiting for...my treatment plan, first facts - then feelings:

(oh and i'm listening to Blonde on Blonde as i write, which both comforts me and makes my eyes well up, Dylan always has a way of allowing me to feel how i feel, if you know what i mean)

Thursday July 8th I'm going in for bilateral mastectomy with reconstruction using tissue expanders, i want the works :-)  - during surgery they will also insert a port, because July 27th i will be starting the dreaded chemo.

I will be getting TC chemo, 4 rounds every 3 weeks.  i kept hoping i would magically be exempt, but my oncotype testing, despite my strong progesterone & estrogent receptor positive-ness, still put me slightly into the intermedeate range of reccurance within 5 years.

After chemo is done, I will have the replacement surgury, and from what i've seen and heard, it's a piece o cake and the joy of no  more tisssue expanders overtakes it all.

then 5 years of tamoxifin

so weird that so much of this is my choice to make - but i felt such a strong pull to doing whaterthefuck it takes to ensure that on the other side, i live the best happiest, as low stress as poss, ultimate quality of life. And not undergoing all this stuff, would mean too much worry, what iffs, diligent monitoring, all the stress inducing stuff that actually is a factor in getting cancer.

I don't wanna lose my hair, little by little i try to get to picturing it, imagining what i will do ect.. Jenn, my exhusbandscurrentwife had the cutest scarves when she was in chemo, she learned them by watching african american hair videos on youtube, who knew. She'll teach me :)
Everyone says i need a hot pink bob wig, haha, it's true i do.
I admit, i'm kinda excited about the cute short haircuts i will have as it grows back, i always want to cut it but never have the nerve. In fact i will probably get one pixieish cut right before chemo.

I feel at peace, it is what it is, like i said, i kept hoping i would be magically exempt from the whole ugly scoop because i'm Nanette and i'm special,  but somwhere in the last week, i came to realize that this is what it takes, thousands of amazing women do this and worse. I'm not special in cancer. we all are.  I will be special in other ways.
i am scared tho

AND - I'm determined to make it the Bob Dylan show August 4th

Just Like a Woman - lyrics by Bob Dylan

Nobody feels any pain

Tonight as I stand inside the rain
Ev'rybody knows
That Baby's got new clothes
But lately I see her ribbons and her bows
Have fallen from her curls
She takes just like a woman, yes she does
She makes love just like a woman, yes she does
And she aches just like a woman
But she breaks just like a little girl