it'll never be the same again

"it'll never be the same again" - when this line of thought came into my head this morning it had a dramatic & emotional meaning and impact on me, which i will elaborate on in a min. I fear for the people who see me on my walks when this shit happens. walking crying scarf headed lady

but first - as i thought more on it in my attempts to calm myself and see clearly, i realized that that statement is true throughout life...
you graduate from highschool - it'll never be the same
you graduate college - it'll never be the same
you have a baby - it'll NEVER be the same
you get married - it'll never be the same
you get divorce - it'll never be the same
you get your heart broken - it'll never be the same
you kid's grow up - it'll never be the same
your parents health change - it'll never be the same
a loved one dies -it'll never be the same
you get it....we adjust to the new normal (greatest concept ever) - it's harder with some than others obv.

of course today, in my head, it's about cancer.
on my walk, on my ipod i was listening to the song The Blinding Crash by Li'l Cap'n Travis.
the song is about innocent simple days of love, they have such a way with lyrics to envoke that feeling
and i know it'll never be the same anyway, love n stuff changes as you grow older, it's not
but right now, with my body & my life  & my brain so significanly altered, the concept of simplicity couldn't be further from my grasp - it feels like mourning....

...excerpt from Blinding Crash by Li'l Cap'n Travis

"wanna hold you forever baby



wanna feel you forever baby


sipping straws together baby


blinding crash lasts forever baby


blinding crash lasts forever baby


its codler & colder without you baby


don't cry it ain't nothing but a thing


keep my picture in your jeans


keep your jeans at the foot of the bed


keep good thoughts in your head


keep holding on for the end


when we rock n roll it over again"

awwwwww pink out!

My son is in 3rd grade. He goes to a really great school. Well for Breast Cancer awareness month one of the 3rd grade classes initiated a Pink Out day. October 22 they encouraged the entire school to wear pink in support. Cute kid made posters were all over the school.
I found out that as a result, Gabe decided to tell his class that his mom had breast cancer. So brave he is. it was a big deal to him. One friend asked him if he was sad and his answer was yes.
I emailed the parents to let them know that i was ok, and to give them a heads up for any conversations that may arise from the new info.
Anyway - on Pink Out day, Gabe was determined to wear a pink tee shirt, as he tried all mine on, and decided on my Hanes hope tee designed by melina kankaredes that i won online, he did question - do i look too girly? but in the end he said - I don't care what people think. I said real men wear pink.


I went to visit the school that day - the sight of all the little bodies clad in pink walking down the hall made me emotional.  Gabe's best friend Peyton, was very proud to point out every PINK decoration, poster, balloon, so so cute.

the final chemo!




I had my last chemo session on October 12th, that date!! It seemed so far away this SUMMER when i got the chemo schedge. Then it came so fast. Weird how life still happens in the midst of impossible-ness.

I have to say this first, I feel VERY VERY lucky that my protocol, my "type", my situation, called for only 4 chemo infusions, and that those infusions conisted of a chemo cocktail that is not as harsh and debilitating as many many others. It still is crappy, but not as crappy as it could be. for that i am grateful

So....for this milestone, i had my "full moon girls", Cory & Beth with me. They are special and tho i may see one or the other,or they may see each other periodically, getting the 3 of us at one time is epic power. So it had to be. Helped that Cory brought killer vegan lunch from a new food trailer called Concious Cravings.


Full Moon Sisters
I had heard about the tradition of confettin & ringing the bell on your last day, but by the time i was done, it was super empty and i was feeling self concious about making a to do.  But i had one of those magic moments that only happens in the cancer club. I spotted a woman there who was visitng another patient, she looked familiar, i had seen her at a BCRC event months before and had the same feeling. But this time i got it, i used to know her, our 12 year olds had been in pre-school together. I'd been to her house. I remembered that she had fought this battle way back. I couldn't remember her name. She had short hair, she knew all the nurses, i wondered if she was back in. When she walked by i said HEY, i KNOW you! remmeber, ect... she did. She is back in, stage 4 lifer.

We had a nourishing catch up, you people tell me i'm inpiring, meet her, she made me so happy with her spirit. She was a like a glowy wood sprite, magical, cute.

anywayssss, she wouldn't hear of no confetti, so she made it happen, i rang the bell, i went home.


weird emotions, happy to be done with that, beyond happy. Guilty it was comparitavely easy. Sad to not be going anymore. I know, that's weird, but it's there. Dread as usual with how i knew i was going to feel.
fear in a way, that now, well in a few weeks, i can't "use" chemo, i have to become accountable, responible for my health, efficient with my time, present with my children, stuff i long for, but stuff i'm not as used to. I can't blame a sugar extravaganza on chemo cravings, I can't blame flaky on chemo brain, you get the idea.

So now, i'm still exhausted to the max, what's different is knowing that it's over. knowing that 3 weeks from October 12th will be like new territory, each day after 3 weeks will be a step towards feeling normal. It makes me want to over achieve.  But i was reminded that chemo can stay in your body for up to a year, so i guess i do have a while....i'll try to chill

So...what now. Well. now it's time to focus on the boobs. I still need to go for a few more expansions. Then in December i will have my replacement surgury. Where the plasitc surgeon will remove these horrible uncomfortable yucky expanders and place lovely silicon implants. i can't wait. I have heard this surgury is a piece o cake in comparison. so yay.

I will start my 5 years of Tamoxifen in a week. Weird to think of taking something for 5 years. I am trying not to read too much about side affects. It is what it is. I have to deal.

I will start excercising more, little by little, i'm joining a 12 week program at the Y through livestrong. I need more yoga. I would like to lose the weight i gained during chemo.

appointments and follow ups and scans, i guess they will be part of my life.

Oh yeah, and my hair!! i am so ready for that.

the love bomb dropped - thank you

I had never heard of http://www.dropalovebomb.com/ before yesterday.  But when i emerged from a 1.5 hour accupuncture appointment and looked at my blackberry as usual, i thought my eyes were fuzzy when i saw 164 emails on one of my accounts. I glanced and saw they were all comments on this blog. what?
when i got home i started to figure it out.  then i spent about the next 2 hours reading all the comments....and they kept coming.
What can i say! this amazingly happened on a day where i was too chemo sick to do anything....so it was such a blessing, such a way to be uplifted, and so nice that i was clear from work or parenting so i could fully dive in to the love and support that was poured on me.

I wish i could reply to every single one of you, i mean, everyone!
I can't believe this exists, i can't believe people really take the time to do this for people. I imagine this love just spreading and exploding all over the universe and finidng those that need it, it all swirls around and lands in the right places, and comes back to those who give. 

These comment have affected me so much!
Some of course made me cry
Some made me feel strong powerful & capable
Some humbled me
Some made me really laugh out loud (i took my phone on a short stroll & freaked out a neighbor when laughed at one particular comment)
Some people wrote poems
Some prayers
Some people related
Some reminded me of who i am
Some gave me hope
Some inspired me
All made me feel good
All were thoughtful and perfect
I pretty much felt the full 360 degrees of emotions, which is a very affirming feeling. That's life.

i will always tout the value of this kind of support during something like this. it takes all kinds, not just the traditional hands on. This kind of thing has helped me immensely

the comments are still coming...
so to ALL that dropped the love bomb and all that take the time to comment, to me or anyone that needs it - i thank you!

LOVE
Nanette

crappy chemo side effect of the day

i guess you could post a post a day about each crappy side effect, and i suppose different chemo patients would have varying degrees of crapiness.  Sometimes we all feel we can relate to each other, but sometimes we notice how each experience is unique. 
but today, what is bugging me the most is the crying, like pms hormone to the MAX. i can't stop. it's ridic. everything makes me cry:
this episode of chopped
my 12 year old's trials & tribulations, successes & failures
my 9 year olds cute exhaustion that only comes from a good time
happy pretty people walking around town
my friends 1 year old son at the children's museum, innocent smile
the fact that i'm happy
the fact that i'm not done yet
my low GI cookbook (see, it's not your average cry fest)
kindness
my cute daddy
a poem
the past
the future
my tiredness
my reflection
the love

you never know

Sometimes when i go about my day, grocery store, coffee shop, walk in my neighborhood, with my gypsy head scarf look,  i am convinced of course that people look at me. They probably are, i don't blame them. But i am always convinced i know what they are thinking.
The teenage girls look with a bit of fear, and distance, the beautiful neighorhood moms out running look with pity and glad it's not me thoughts, maybe a bit of wow she's so brave thrown in. The men driving by, also sympathy, tho more detatched than the women.
but one day, a man drove by in my neighborhood when i was walking, and he smiled at me, and i had a sudden epiphany, it's far more likely that the teenagers are looking at me thinking, yeah, that was my mom last year, the women are thinking, i remember when so & so lost her hair, the men may be remembering when they supported their wife 5 years prior, and thought she was still beautiful with no hair.
That's sad that that is so likely, but it's also comforting.  It's helped me to think this way, it makes me see myself as stronger, as a person to inspire,  not as a spectacle, an object.

ps. i realize that almost every blog post i write, has two feelings about something, a sad, scared, neg side, and an opposite counter, is that because i'm a crazy gemini? or is that the nature of trauma and the blessings. Oh yeah, it's both

Chemo Round #3

wow, i just realized i never posted about this round, it was 2 weeks ago. I guess cos really it was in some ways uneventful, and in many ways so much worse than round 2. it really kinda wore me down.
let's see...
In between 2 & 3, my white blood count got really low, as expected, but they were worried and put me on atibiotic. For some reason this put in a funk, and it also meant i couldn't get expanded on my usual day, delay delay delay, hard to accept.
Sooooo, i went for expansion the day after Chemo #3, my white blood cells were up again enough, enough to not need Neulasta shot again (thank goodness)  - but not long after the expansion appointment i started to feel so sick, bed ridden sick, i got a fever that reached 102.  Nurses said probably was inflamation due to the expanding, and to watch to make sure i didn't get an ifection in the chest area. I didn't. I stayed in bed and watched 3 movies in a row, fever went down, i didn't puke.  but yeah, felt pretty bad till about sunday. I missed attending a closing. Luckily i have wonderful understanding clients. but i had a closing! yay.
oh, and my AC was broken, for some reason i was ok with it till about thursday. My amazing next door neighbor took matters into her hands and called a highly reccomended and "cheap" AC guy. and offered to pay unless it was really huge. Not only was it not huge, but they guy only charged $50, he said it was "his part". The kindess of him, my neighbor, the universe - again makes my knees week. It makes me so emotional. and grateful.

Since then...well, good. My funk lifted mostly, my energy returned mostly. I'm still more tired, deep tired, than i've ever known. I'm emotional, on edge, sometimes peaceful, tired of it, happy it's almost over. Feeling like isolating somewhat, scared of germs. roller coastery. irritated. empowered. scared. yep, all of the above.

Just had the 2 week post chemo blood test results yeterday, white blood low, but no antibiotic this time. Red blood up a bit. Don't hug me if you see me. I feel it. exhaustion is in the bones. And i hate worrying about crowds and germs. I just flaked on recording a video for clear channel for race for the cure because i'm too tired & don't want to be around so many peeps. hate flaking.

I had an appointment with the amazing Dr. Luepnitz (nutritional oncologist)  and feel confident that his work will really help my body strengthen & recover from the ravages of chemo as well as add to my arsenal of remaining cancer free for life.

I'm dreading round #4 but i know it will be over so trying not to dwell....

music is me

now that the drama of surgery & recovery are past, and chemo is firmly embeded in all my cells & organs, i find myself hard to define.
I don't even know if i know what that means. but this is what if feels like:
I go to usual places, and i feel awkward and alien. I have a head scarf on, tons of make-up. I know i'm pretty but i feel unusual, something to look at. At the grocery store i only feel "normal" when i think of myself as someone other than the nanette i am used to. At school pick up, i hover further down the street. I don't feel like hanging out so much in places i used to feel comfortable.  I rather go to unfamiliar places, because then i am anonymous random person
I'm not ashamed or embarassed about looks, i just don't feel like me.
I don't react to things the same way. I don't see things the same.
I'm not really sad, or depressed, i just don't feel like me
I don't find that nanette i recognize, that impy cute girl with long braids that always got what i wanted, the pink haired daring teenager that lived for shows, that superawesome mom of babes who was so instinctive, that badass single mom who tried to deal with it all.

but i did discover that the only time i truly feel like me, is when i'm listening to rock n roll, on my ipod, in my car. it's the only time i'm not in my head, i'm just being. being me. Music IS me

I know that going through this has changed me completely, one day the chemo will be out of my system, my scars will fade, i'll run without getting out of breath, (i'll run!) and normalcy will ensue, but i never will be the same. And the reason i'm not sad, is that i know i will be better.
but thank god for rock n roll

Mamma Jamma Ride coming up

So i've been aware of the aweseome Mamma Jamma ride against breast cancer coming up this weekend, the 25th - but not being a bike rider for some reason i was feeling kinda detatched from the details and involvement. But today i got an email from my friend Chris Pellegrino, telling me he was riding for me! I'm really touched. Not only is Chris a good friend, he is also one of the owners of Austin Fine Properties the Real Estate company i work for. It feels so good to be so fully supported by them in my personal life as well as proffessional . 
One thing that is awesome about this event is that it is raising money for 10 different LOCAL non profits including two of my faves that are close to my heart - The Breast Cancer Resource Center & Wonders & Worries - read about Wonders & Worries and what they mean to me HERE
So if you have been hearing the buzz about Mamma Jamma ride and looking for a person or reason to donate, check out Chris's personal page below and donate :))  and maybe train for next year!

Chris' Mamma Jamma ride!

Look Good...Feel Better = feel awesome

the large bag the goodies came in
of all  the many wonderful services & progams for those undergoing treatment for cancer, this one could possibly this make-up junkie's absolute fave.

The American Cancer Society offers their Look Good...Feel Better to help women learn to apply make-up to look better during treatment. As well as offer tips & advice for hygienic safe practices while being compromised immune wise, and BEST OF ALL provide the survivors with a chock full o nuts bag of free make-up & products. So amazing.

Some things i learned:
Your skin can get drier, so use gentle cleansers and facial and body moisturizers for dry skin.
How to apply under eye concealer more effectively for dark circles as a result of fatigue & lack of sleep
How to blend and use more eyeshadow than I usually use to really accentuate eyes - this is important when you lose your hair and wear scarves ect...to bring more focus to eyes. i amd LOVING this part. I usually just put on eyeliner, glittery of course, and light mascara.
Same with more blush, you can get pretty pale undergoing chemo
Don't get manicures, any cuts from cutting cuticles can put you more at risk for infection. I am sad about this, i am manicure obsessed and get them regularly. But i learned to make sure to really use cuticle oil a lot to keep them from drying out. and you can push them back with cuticle pusher back sticks, and wear clear polish so Drs can check your nail bed color for signs of anything.
We learned some make-up brush cleaning tips.
Eyebrow filling techniques for thinning or complete eyebrow loss

Our "teacher" was Matilda, she is a stylist & make-up artist at Ulta and has gone through specific training to be able to offer this program. She knew a lot about chemo & it's side effects. She was very knowledgeable about the situation specific make-up & beauty needs. She explained in great detail about the hygiene needs. And she was cute as all get out.

me & Matilda

As for the make-up bag, i'm amazed at all the goods inside, i didn't get a picture of it all, but there was TONS, and good brands too! Chanel, aveda, Estee Lauder, Bobbi Brown among others.
I got cleanser, moisturizer, 3 tubes of eye cream, two tubes of body lotion, concealer, 2 eyeshadows, eyeliner, brow pencil, mascara, foundation, powder, 3 lipstics, blush,  I'm in love with it all.

just some of the goodies


Lipstick is my fave make-up
And even though i'm still not used to the time it takes to do it all in the mornings, i really am having a blast pampering myself with it all and playing and i really do feel pretty.




I hope that every woman with any type of cancer takes advantage of this program. Please if you are reading this and you have a friend, pass the info on, i think it's so very important to have that girly/womany/pretty feeling when you are dealing with things that are doing their damndest to take that away from you.

Chemo Round 2

I was late to this appointment because 1. i am not used to putting on total make-up, it um...takes longer & 2. i didn't give myself scarf practice time, this was day after shave day, i had a mini fit of panic, but got it in the end.

My darling friend Laurie who braved this trail just before me, met me there to hang for a while. We share the same oncologist, you should have seen his face when he walked in the room and saw us both there. he was all "what???" her support has meant the world to me.  Laurie also brought me a latte - joy.

Port access was easier, i didn't have to get med explanation, all in all uneventful and cozy. it's odd how i  sort of look forward to it.

Beth came to visit too


I lounged out and read magazines


One thing that was different, i got less of the steroid, because i suffered from really bad stomach pains last time, sort of acidy.

As a result of this i think, i felt much sicker sooner. Night of day two, morning of day three were bad. I conveniently remembered the 1 million anti nausea meds i had and that miraculously did the trick on thursday morning. So i was able to get to my beloved accupuncture appointment with Dr. He

Another interesting point, is that altho my white blood count was low at 2 weeks as it was supposed to be, it had climbed high enough by the infusion day that i did not need the shot of Neulasta which i was dreading.

I am wondering if it is the accupuncture & chinese herbs that are helping that. I also wonder if they can be attributed to my quick recoveries. Who knows. I just know that after that bad 24 hours i really only felt blah-ish and super tired.  I had a low point on saturday night again. but i blame that on the return of the offspring - hehehe. they do wear me out more than if i were alone.

Now it's tuesday as i write this and i have been working, both showing houses and on the computer, running errands, talking small walks doing yoga at home, and attempting pupusa making with my brother




 And i'm half way there....

the buzz

so as i posted just over a week ago, i noticed the beginnings of the hair falling out, it was depressing.
it was pretty slow at first, handleable, but i was scared to wash it, and blow dry it. wanting to "preserve" it as long as possible.
I had things to do, a party, a social media event - the awseome BlogathonATX - an Open House at a listing, shopping, i wasn't entirely ready, i swear i used enough hairspray to kind of shellac my hair in place. That makes me laugh now.
But over last weekend it actually got to be a pain in the ass and also somewhat alarming. Hair was everywhere - so i designated Monday August 30th as Head Shaving Day.

waiting for the clippers

My best friend Elizabeth is also my hairdresser, she is also as close as a sister, i wouldn't have anyone else do this. (see her "pretty handiwork in this post )

so, kinda like the wig post, this wasn't really as sillyfun as i naively hoped. I had a fantasy about initially shaving it for pics into the "chelsea" cut of old skool girl skinheads, a hairdo i wanted soooo bad when i was 13 and living in London, my mother would NEVER let me do it - i wanted a re-do ;)
But once she started it was insanely hard, i couldn't look in the mirrior and tears were streaming, needless to say a majority of the pics are not being published. 

having the back shaved was easy
It doesn't matter what you "know" inside, there's still no being ready for that, it's too shocking. It's like the ultimate hardcore reminder that this is REALLY happening. There is no denying it. It's unreal.

If it hadn't been for Eliz and my dude and some lipstick i don't know how i would have made it out of there. Oh and the cool head scarf....that scarf allowed me a shopping trip to target

so since then i've gotten more comfy with scarf tying, i learned some fun make up techniques from the Look Good Feel Better program (post upcoming), i've gotten more used to looking at myself, i've gone to my son's 3rd grade back to school night, I've felt self concious in stores, i've felt brave too.

It seems like it's going to be a heck of a long time till it starts to grow back, that's depressing, i'm tired of it already.
 but i am looking forward to growing back, and the hairdos to come. such a chance to experiment. 


the pile
so if you you see me now, i will be all gypsy scarfy

What's that on your head? A wig!

One of my fave children's books is Wig! the B52's song illustrated by Laura Levine. The words are funny, the illustrations are colorful and quirky - it's hilarious. My kids & i have laughed, quoted & visualized the zany wigs on ourselves - the pages are torn.

I tried to envoke this kitchy glamour when i went to the American Cancer Society to get fitted and choose my two free wigs. (please look for the location near you to get yours!) - i brought along my fab friends John & Chris who i knew would cheer me on. But trying on wigs for this occasion wasn't quite as fun as i imagined.

I think i was just feeling a bit tense & down with the obvious signs leading to needing them...i'm gonna try again in a week or so at the oft talked about  mecca Quarter to 10 where faux hawk wigs are rumored to be in supply, so stay tuned for that post.

I do think it's wonderful that the ACS provides this, they also have massive amounts of scarves and hats and turbans and wraps and you are allowed to take 2 home with you. All free.
First the girl (who's name i forgot immediately) showed us the wig room, where i had to pick a couple i thought i might like, it was kind of surreal, and none looked really me-ish

John telling me to get a "realtor" wig

then she measured my head - i have a small head

then she gave me the sorta stocking cap to put over my head, both for hygiene, and to help them not to slide, i think i look weird in it.


I did pick two, but i didn't love them, my natural hair is fine, so anything with volume looks weird to me, i suppose they might look ok to a stranger, and perhaps if i have a new client or something i'll wear one.
ummm no

this almost looks real


I did end up getting this one
She also gave me a Survivor shirt for the ACS Relays - i will find out when those are and sign up!


I really did have visions of this experience & this post to be more fun filled silliness but i just didn't feel it that day, i guess it's because i wish i wasn't experiencing it in the first place.  I am grateful to ACS for what they do though

Don't worry, i AM getting that hot pink wig....

A welcome mini vaycay - Brenham TX

To put it mildly, my kids have had a shitty summer, a pretty shitty year for that matter with their stepmom fighting breast cancer, and their grandpa almost dying all right before my stuff.
But the summer is supposed to be fun right? We had plans to go on another road trip like last year's one to Atlanta. This time we were going to go to The Oz Museum in Wamego Kansas - we are Wizard of Oz fanatics.  The kids were also going to maybe to a camp or two, theater camp, horse riding, funnish stuff. Of course none of that happened.
The trip for obvious reasons. The camps for financial. They spent a majority of the summer at their dad's house. Which of course isn't terrible, but it's not me. They misssed me, they missed me on top of the worry & fear. They were so good.
They did have one thing to look forward to though - Camp Kessem - a FREE week long sleepaway camp for kids who's parents have cancer, they weren't into it at first but grew to excitement level - welllll that was cancelled 2 days before it was to start. I'm not going to to diss the program, i don't fully understand the red tape circumstances involved, and i hope they can go next year.  Then i'll write good stuff about it. but yeah, that sucked a lot, so much dissapointment, so unstable. so shitty.

But here's where i get to the good stuff, first, it really is good that they got to spend a week with me solid before school, AND it was the "good" feeling week in between chemos.

They needed that. So i decided to take advantage of feeling good (and still having hair so looking good) and take them on a mini trip. My parents encouraged this also, we all felt so sorry for them.
It needed to be close-ish, and not too hard for me, like amusement park, or big city maneuvering - we came up with Brenham Texas, home of Blue Bell Ice Cream!
Just under 2 hours away...check
Small town low key low $ entertainment....check
Reasonable hotels...check

We stayed at a Comfort Suites that the kids literally did cartweels in, cos they could, it was that big. Kitchenette, two rooms with a wall divider, mini sofa bed, 2 flat screen TVs, free breakfast with Texas shaped Waffles (is there any other state that can do that???)
I searched the internet and this is what we did over 3 days & 2 nights

The Jersey Barnyard
Also known as Frerichs Dairy, this is actually in nearby La Grange. Kids met Cisco the donkey, fed chickens, roosters, rabits & calves, went on a hayride & milked a cow. Family owned, unbelieveably nice people, we were the only ones there.
we called this chicken Bellina after Dorothy's pet in Wizard of Oz

Cisco


Blue Bell Creameries
We went early for the first tour, saw the factory how the ice cream is made & packaged and you get free ice cream at the end!

Monastery of St. Clare Miniature Horse Farm
Miniature horses are cute. Kids love them. beautiful setting. happy kids


Chappell Hill Lavender Farm
This place was so gorgeous and the kids loved picking their own lavender. It was slim pickins due the Lavender festival being the weekend before but we found some



We ate at Must Be Heaven - which has an old timey ice cream parlour and walked around the cute old downtown, there's also a Starbucks & a bunch of other good & easy places to eat.

So really what this post is is about is a reminder that life does not stop, you can still do fun stuff while undergoing treatment (if you actually can physically, i know it's different for everyone)

AND take advantage of the times you feel good, between the chemos. Do something you want to do! 

PS. I also have been working while I feel good, showing houses, held an Open House, studying the MLS, blogging on http://rocknrealty.net/  it helps me to feel real and more like ME.

misplaced obsessions

sometimes it's easier to focus on other stuff than cancer & recovery & pain & surgeries & chemo - i call them missplaced obsessions

at first right after surgery it was ocd house clean stuff which if you know me is really odd. but because i was unable to do anything for myself, i was really stubborn at controlling how others put stuff away, washed dishes, every wayward paper or dish had to be picked up, tons of petty things like that. I hated it, and i purposefully made myself get over it, i really did appreciate all the help and wanted to ACT like i did. now my silverware is stored in a totally different order and i get a kick out of seing it every day -  the standard "let it go" lesson.

sometimes my focus is being perfect mom, i'm determined to start cooking family meals, scrapbook with my son, paint my daughter's nails, and that after this is over it's gonna be all different and better and i'm gonna start now.....and see?? i'm amazing, i can do all this and fight cancer, of course i know this is ridiculous  - the standard "i can't do it all" lesson combined with the standards "i am doing the best i can" lesson

currently my missplaced concern is weight gain. I know that is so trivial and not relevant in regards to my health. but i read constantly about how some people gain weight during chemo, i think about actually "dieting" during it, when a friend tells me how the steroids made them gain weight, i think to myself, "oh that won't be me"
everyone tells me not to think about it, focus on being healthy, but when i think about losing my hair, or the current size of my chest, i feel like dammit, i gotta look good somewhere.  it's like insult to injury.
and then i feel guilty for being so concerned with something so trivial. it's hard when i just don't look or feel like my normal self - the standard "i'm beautiful no matter what" (bleagghhhh) lesson and "just focus on my health" lesson

errrgg contsant struggle with my brain to balance gratitude, fear, bravery & exhaustion

Chemo Round 1

I am soooo due for an actual update!
Had my first chemo session August 10th - at Texas Oncology. i wasn't nervous, just more apprehensive and strangely looking forward to it, to get it going, and to have an excuse to sit for 4 hours and veg.
I was however nervous about them accessing my port for the first time - turns out it was hard for the first nurse to get a line, and it hurt a little, then another nurse came in and got it  right away, this was for blood draw initialy, then for the chemo IVs.

Then a chat with my lovely dear sweet oncologist, i adore him. then off to the infusion room. As i didn't go to the "chemo class" it was all kinda new to me, it was a bit more clinical than i thought, and seeing all the other patients sitting with IVs was a little sad.
My nurse explained how the scene was gonna go down, first this drip, then that drug, then this blah blah blah.


i really don't know why i look surprised - these chairs are superlazyboys, nice

My friend Kati took me and stayed with me the whole time, AND Jennifer came to visit for a while as she had a follow up appointment anyway.

me and kati

I took an ativan before going so i was really relaxed, i read mags, tweeted/texted/emailed on my bb, dozed, and chatted, it was really kinda nice.  I guess i'm lucky that the drugs i get do not effect me as they go in, so all in all it was a pleasant experience - weird huh...


I blame the ativan and vicodin for this pic
so.... side effects: I didn't start feeling bad till the third day - and i can only describe it as like a bad hangover maybe, just generaly feeling like crap, heavy, zero appetite, tired, draggy. then for a couple of days i felt ok in the day to work showing houses a bit, but the evening, i would get bad stomach pain and bone aches, so much so that i had to get in bed and take something for the pain. Pair this with the fact that i had my kids back, AND their free camp for kids who's parents have cancer was cancelled. But they were good, sweet, and let me rest. There were moments where i felt so down that i was scared and angry and sad that i had to feel this way because of a stupid disease and an evil drug that i need. And i felt dread at the thought of the other sessions. I know they are supposed to get worse each time. and i won't have hair next time

THEN after a week, i felt great, super good energy, NORMAL :)  so much that i took my poor kids on a mini trip (blog post later)
Ok - so that's round 1, i hope round 2 on August 31st is the same, i can handle that.....

hair - redux

yeah, today i feel the first signs of the hair falling out - i'm on the verge of tears constantly, even though of course i was expecting this, and i was even expecting to feel this way, i still feel unprepared to cope.

I have scarves galore, i have an appointment with the American Cancer Society for my 2 free wigs, i have confidence somewhere inside me, but i still want to cry, and i still don't want it to happen.

i also have a beautiful silk pillow case that my friend Christina from My Soul to Keep gave me, supposed to be good for all this

PS did you know the Amercian Cancer Society will give cancer patients 2 free wigs with a fitting and everything? AND they also offer Look Good, Feel Better program which includs a free makeup kit, to help with makeup & stuff durinig treatemt? Look it up, it's awesome

Scarf Party

Inspired by  the hotness of my friend who wore sassy scarves when she lost her hair, my friends and i decided to have a scarf party!
the idea being to bring a scarf for me to use, and then have fun trying them on, learning to tie them ect... you tube has some fun videos showing how..
well we didn't end up trying them on and playing, BUT i did amass more scarves than i can probably wear during my no hair time and we did have a blast, with bloody mary's, vegan cupcakes and other vegan goodies and of course the best thing, my girlfriends all around!

Here are some pics from the shindig:
<><>
<>
<><>
my son sportin a hot look

words words words

I really do believe that the words you say to yourself, your inner tapes, are incredibly powerful. It's not a new mega insightful revelation, positive affirmations have always been touted for creating good things in one's life, negative self messages are well known to eat away and damage self estem and confidence.

So when i remember, i do try to think and talk positively about this cancer, you know, everyone says the positive attitude is what gets you through...it's true i know i know, but i'm also realistic with myself and i cuss and cry and tell it all to fuck off now and then.

BUT the other day i had a super powerful experience around words, and changing them, and my attitude.
I was talking with a fellow warrior, she is further along than i and was talking about how even tho the Doc says it's fine, she feels worried & unconfortable laying on her stomach during yoga class.  I totally could relate and said  "well we've been through so much - i mean our chest area has been brutally..." and she seemlesly finished my sentance with "....mutilated"
Such strong and violent words, yet when we were talking they made me feel powerful, like yeah, heck yeah, that's what we'e been through, it sucks, it's hard, we're dealing. despite what's been done to us. power.

BUT a few minutes later i was doing some gentle yoga on my mat at home. I like to speak mantras to myself with my breath in passive poses, and i've been working alot with chest/heart opening poses, to physically counter the weeks of sitting on my couch and the effects of surgury, and to mentally open my heart to love & life. So as i stood in mountain, meditating, opening, the words came back to me, "brutally mutilated" and they just didn't feel right in my loving yoga practice.

SO i decided to reword it, change the experience. What came to me was "i was lovingly cared for and tended to by my doctors who worked on me with love and the desire to save my life and make me beautiful" (yeah, kinda long and not as impact-y as the original version)  - the result was more powerful. The feeling of gratitude overcame me.

it feels so much better to not feel like a VICTIM of all this - (even though it's still not fair)