final phases & cancer gifts

i'm sitting here counting down my last 15 minutes of drinking water/clear liquids before i must stop at 10 am in preparation for surgery, i'm drinking a kombucha, i hope that counts :)

i have hesitated naming this surgery on here because it sounds embarassing and too graphic, like now y'all are gonna be picturing my boobs. but i guess if i don't talk about it, who will, it's a reality of breast cancer & mastectomy & one i certainly never contemplated till it became a decision i had to make. Sooo....today i go to my plastic surgeon to get nipples, actually get them made. part of feeling more normal. hopefully part of being able to get back to my formerly un modest ways in gym changing rooms or whatever other situations may arise
Tattooing for a more real look comes in a few weeks.
Not all women choose to have this, many just get tattoos which i've heard look awesome as is.

should be easy, recovery should be a breeze. but of course anticipating the procedure makes me have lots of emotions. on one side, i'm so used to this and after everything last year, this is easy peasy..
on the other, i'm still "over" needles & pain. I hate the IV, for some reason that part makes me feel fragile & scared & emotinal. it's hard for them to get the IV in on me, always takes more than one try.
Even though i have been told recovery is nothing, i'm still anxious for it. I have been running and yoga-ing and working my booty off at real estate, feeling good & vibrant and energetic. I don't want that derailed. i want to be myself and get on with stuff TOMORROW.

when i think about going thru this today, and really any random time in my life, i sometimes get sad, and feel sorry for me and can't believe this has happened to me. but at the same time, i truly cannot imagine my life continuing on it's path as it was before. I feel heightened to life & joy & potential....and it's because of my experience. of overcoming hard shit, of meeting amazing people, of feeling such love and support, of appreciating the value of the tiny.....so many gifts from cancer.

i know that sounds weird

Graphic V goosebumps

last night i went to my first Graphic - the art bra fashion show that benefits the amazing Breast Cancer Resource Center.
I remember last years, it must have been later because i remember i had just been diagnosed, and had the lumpectomy and just was not in tune or in shape to go to such a moving and fabulous shindig.
I wish i had pictures.
on one level it was fun to dress up, hang with my best friend Elizabeth, have a Pink Drink (from opal devines), look at all the silet auction stuff, mingle and people watch.
on a deeper level it was so meaningful to be around so many incredible survivors. There were ladies i had heard about or read about.
There were gorgeous young women with shaved heads. brave beauties
Women of all ages. Stages. There were all the supporters.
I felt like a groupie & like a lucky club member on the inside.
Then the emotional video, seeing the faces of cancer is always so touching and hard
It's overwhelming, so many people affected.
Then the live auction - exciting to see people bid and watch the $$ get higher & higher!
the models were fab & sexy & fun
My dinner was basically fritos & donuts - the only vegan things there! Yes, donuts. The Red Rabbit Cooperative Bakery provided the dessert - i have heard vegan rumors about their amazing donuts around town and they did not dissapoint. The mexican chocolate....omg.
I really felt proud to be there.
And i realize that the love & support out there is bigger than the cancer

live now

one thing i noticed last week during the worry & doubt days - was that i put life stuff on hold. I had decided to call my tattoo guy and schedule something, but i conciously didn't last week. I am planning to join the Y, but whenever i had a time slot and thought about going there. I didn't. I need a hair trim, but wasn't about to plan that if i was gonna lose it again. I didn't fill my surgery prescriptions. I put off lunch plans. I evaded my friends prompting to talk about our disney trip this ummer.
If i did talk about future stuff i felt aware that inside i wasn't meaning it, i was just talking to keep up appearances.
One of my new years goals this year was to Live Now - this includes even stuff like wearing a new item of clothing or new lip gloss right away, as i have always had a tendency to save stuff i love for some nebulous ideal day or situation. Or for when i deserved it - whatever that means.
feeling that on hold feeling last week was familiar and yucky and i won't do it!
so now if i don't join the Y or call Chris Gunn, it's cos i'm just lazy :)

***addendum***
a dear friend pointed out that as lovely as living in the moment is - it is also a great comfort to have a list of things to do tomorrow or the next day, because you know you have time and will be there to do them. . So the counters to putting life on hold are both living for the moment AND making plans..

bumps...in the road

yeah so last weeks feelings got a chance to max out....

those feelings of realizing my life is now like "this" and not how it was, merely because i have had cancer. it's frustrating.

so, i was at a pre-op appointment at my plastic surgeon (i'm getting the final "real girl" addition to the reconstruction process) and i was complaining about pain and tighntes on my chest, pec muscles sort of, above the left breast. I figured it was a result of surgery recovery, that was the jacked up side. The side that had cancer, 2 surgeries, lymphnodes ect...
So Dr H feels around and says, something like "yeah you oughta get that checkd out"
I'm like, oncologist checked out checked out? yep. fuck.
i mad an appointment for tuesday, today. so i basically spent almost a week worrying. Dr K was not worried. No scans ordered, proceed as normal life.
but jeeze, this is it, this is how it is now. I will be nervous and SHOULD be nervous about anything out of the ordinary.
Of course i'm glad it was nothing. i'm more than glad. i'm thrilled, releived, grateful ect.. But im ANGRY that this is how my life is, with an element of fear & doubt at all times.

back to being crazysexygirl and conentrating on the happy

oh yeah, i wore glitter eyeliner to the doc

ok, moving on, my surgery is April 28th  - should be a piece o cake. after that, the final step of tattoos.

real stuff

i had my first oncologist appointment since chemo, my first 4 month follow up. I was excited to see my onc again, happy for him to see how happy and good i have been doing.
My follow ups do not involve scans, that's a thrill. Just blood work & dr visit.

when i got there though i started to feel fragile. emotional. we went over the blood work and it all looked good, nothing was in an alarming range of low or high. but any # that was in red, or that had changed, i felt nervous about and questioned.

so the rest of the day, instead of feeling happy i felt deflated. Like i think after surgury & chemo and excellent prognosis, along with feeling so damn good, i felt invincible and recurrence wasn't a concern. But being at an appointment, that i know i have to go to probably for the rest of my life, to check on this, made me feel less than invincible, more vulnerable and raw. and scared. 

it was like i had a little bit of the feeling of life before cancer where you know that this stuff doesn't happen to you. getting cancer again doesn't happen to me. but the appointments introduce the option of doubt

of course i know i'm luckier than many - but i still wish this wasn't me

Cancer in the City

I just flipped through the tv channels & caught the scene in Sex & the City where Samantha flings off her wig while speaking at a gala, and all these women stood up & took their wigs off.
It made me cry
I forgot Samantha had breast cancer, i should try and find & watch all the episodes, and see how it was portrayed. I wonder about tv glamorizing.

Today i gave my camisoles, the ones with pockets to hold the post surgery drains, to a friend, i knew it would happen, that a friend would need them one day.
It's sad but i like the passing on of love & support.

crazy sexy stuff

i've definitely become a Kris Carr groupie - her energy & dedication are inspiring for anyone, not just cancer survivors. Plus she calls people "unicorns" like i do - weirdo.

i knew that i had been leaning towards cleaning up my food, to a more cancer preventive wowie energy sparkle health mode. But it's not easy, i love sugar & coffee. Being vegan i'm not far off, but i love sugar & coffee.
anyway, reading Kris's new book Crazy Sexy Diet was the push i needed. I just love the way she puts everything.  I've heard some survivors say stuff like - cancer isn't sexy - and stuff like that, but Kris's definition of Crazy Sexy is this:

Crazy = bold, out of the box, forward thinking, and status quo chalenging
Sexy = confident, in touch, whole, passionate, and concious

Exactly how i wanna be, exactly how i have always kind of seen myself.

Today is the last day of the 21 day crazy sexy cleanse, i feel amazing. i think the biggest change or noticable effect is my mood. happy. positive. self loving. light.  it's really kind of phenomenal. it makes me emotional to see myself.
Another really groovy result is my sweet tooth, it's satisfied by things like cashew butter & banana on a rice cake, or the raw brownies at wholefoods that don't even have agave.
Not sure to what level i will maintian post cleanse, for sure i will avoid sugar, that's a given for a disease prevention plan. 
I don't want to fall into coffee addiction, but i do miss it terribly, i don't need it in the morning anymore, we'll see.
Gluten i will try and see if there is a difference after not having it for 3 weeks. It's pretty easy to avoid it or restrict it.
Raw salads & more veg, of course and i've been making my own dressings, delish. I'm discovering simple is sometimes best.
Juicing - i'm hooked. I am kind of looking forward to not HAVING to do it every morning. It's hard to keep all the veggies in stock. but i will juice ALOT. and i just got  the coveted Vita Mix blender so GREEN smoothies are also going to be a mainstay.

I've also been going to yoga almost daily - mostly gentle hatha classes that are really opening up my chest, calming my head, strengthening my muscles, and happifying my soul.

all the Crazy Sexy lifestsyle info and grooviness is at http://www.crazysexylife.com/  - check it out and thank yourself for loving yourself
me & my unicorn

sxsw in my new era

hmmmmm things do change
At some point early on i thought - yeah, by South by i'm gonna be all better and rareing to go

Then when i was in chemo - it was all about - how long will my hair be by then. Could not imagine having super short hair during a time when i always make an extra effort to look cool & rockin.

Then as i neared my reconstruction surgury, and still felt tired a lot - i became overwhelmed by the thought of my SXSW Crew Chief  volunteer job. It's a pretty easy  in comparison job, and i've had it for many many years, but it involves planning and time. So i decided to step down and pass it on to one of my best volunteers over the years. 

So as the week arrived I figured i would just go with the flow an do exactly whatever the heck i wanted. Turns out i didn't want much. I went downtown on the days i didn't have kids, walked a lot, saw the bangles, met susannah hoffs (eeeeeeek), didn't give a shit about what i was missing. Saw two movies. One interactive panel on Veganism on the web.
Got tired too early. went home early. danced to black joe lewis. saw my best friend more than on a regular week. didn't drink coffee or alcohol. 

I did miss a lot of bands i wish i could have seen, and i did feel awkward in my skin sometimes, not totally used to being who i am. - but i guess the difference is that i didn't dwell on the missing of events, or my old self. 

Valentines for Me

This post is a little after the fact - but after thinking so much about joy lately and what that means to live in joy and self love - i felt like sharing how i celebrated valentines day this year.
I've always love V day - it's my fave colors, i love hearts & heart shaped things - have since i was a kid. And i already decided a long time ago that relying on traditional romantic expetations are not a way experience a day like this. I make heart waffles for my kids every year, we decorate heart cookies, one year i made mix CDs for my best friends, i make the day romantic all round for whoever is in my life

this year i was my own valentine, and i was really romantic to myself :)  - I ate a Dove dark chocolate heart a few days before, that said in the little message in the wrapper "be your own valentine"

First i went to yoga

then i went to Sugar Mama's Bakery and bought myself these:

Vegan Valentine Cupcakes

Then i took myself to lunch at Mr. Natural and had more desert of these:


And then i went to Book People and bought myself this:


Crazy Sexy Diet is the ultimate love gift, for yourself, or for another

Then i went to Anthropolige & used a $50 gift card i won and found something cute on sale for exactly that amount

Joy #2

Last weekends TEDx Austin talks were only topped by the Livestrong Austin Marathon on Sunday the 20th. I am very lucky in that i am seasonally part of the organizing team - i book all the bands that play on the route and some of the finish line entertainment. It's fun. but this year was tough, it was hard for me to get in the organizy mode when i was in the middle of surgery recovery & chemo. Periodically along the the timeline of working on this i would forget a meeting, feel too sick for a meeting, fall asleep at night before sending the emails i meant to send. fast forward, i pulled it together, got it all scheduled, planned, booked. But i couldn't have done that without the super sweet generous understanding of John Conely, the race director and all the marathon staff.  Working with John and the team is one of the most glorious yummy fun rewarding warm experiences in my life. Shame it's only a few months out of the year!

On race day, i have a wonderful volunteer Dale who is my driver, he picks me up at 6:30am and we drive around, trying to get as near to band locations as possible to check on them & troubleshoot any issues. We also go to the finish line so i can touch base with the finish line band & the mariachis. So i really get to see & feel the vibe out there.  I see the bands rock, i see the early first runners, i see the 5 hour plus marathoners, i see the amazing austin community that goes out to cheer. There's a lot of love in the air!

I was really moved by the race this year, maybe it's the Livestrong sponsorship, maybe it's the survivors i saw running, maybe it was the good feeling of satisfaction of my job well done. But i felt such joy out there. my bands were awesome. The runners were so happy. I got really great feedback from the bands afterwards, some of them say it's the most rewarding gig ever, a gig with meaning and inspiration. Even though they have to get out there & set up and play at the very un rock n roll hour of before 7am!


Tonight i went to the Thank You celebration, it was at a bar, i don't drink really anymore so i felt awkward to go, and i haven't really started going out at night yet either, but i wanted to see everyone. Cover Girl an 80's cover band was playing, and i danced - JOY

Joy

Last Saturday i was lucky enough to attend the TEDx Austin talks -  read about it HERE - wayyyy to complicated to explain :)

so many incredibly smart speakers, i learned stuff, i felt motivated by some, i had fun seeing friends, i enjoyed the vegan lunch provided by whole foods.


By the way, thanks to the power of social media & twitter the vegetarian planned lunch was changed to vegan after I and a couple of others asked about it on twitter! Yaaayya.

Anyway - really two people impacted me the most and i would have felt satisfied at that....

Robyn O'Brian - talked about "The Unhealthy Truth: How Our Food Is Making Us Sick and What We Can Do About It." - I know this stuff, but listening to the time line of when our govt started introducing hormones and shit into our food, and thinking about what it means, i really do wonder if this is the root of my getting cancer. When i first became vegetarian, which is right around when the hormone adding started - i didn't know as much about food as i do now, i didn't cook, i thought tofu & soy milk were the it food, the protein replacement. Plus i still ate a ton of dairy. Maybe more as it also became my primary protein. Dairy & Soy - the MOST hormone modified foods. I'm not gonna dwell, or regret, or bemoan. But it is shocking. And I will continue with more determination my path of mindful eating & smart healthy choices (check out my other blog about cooking from the local organic produce delivery Vegan Greenling)

The other speaker that i adored was Gilbert Tuhabonye - if you live in austin, and especially if you are a runner you probably know of him. Founder of the running training group The Gazelles. Google him & his story of survival & running to live - it's AMAZING, he's really inspiring, and i knew his story before this.  but it was the first few minutes of his talk that just blew me away, it was all i needed. His motto is "run with joy" - and when he came out he led with that vibe and the joy radiated from him. I believe him. And i feel that. And i want that. I want to appreicate that always. 

sometimes it really is the tragedies that make that immense joy so possible, i'm grateful for that.

sad

i really & truly was going to write a post tonight about happiness & some good things - those things and that feeling are still there, so i will write that post in a few days - but in the space of one hour this night, cancer has made me really sad.
On twitter, i found out that a guy i know, is in ICU fighting for his life, this is sudden, i knew nothing of anything. He was fine a month ago. I don't really know him in real life as they say, but real enough. we have twitter banter, we've done business together, and he said some truly kind things to me during my struggles.

On Facebook i got the news that i just don't want to process. A stage IV bc friend is not responding to a new medicine, she will have to go to chemo again, and have new scans, and find out stuff. I love this lady, we knew each other when our eldests were in preschool, maybe 7 years have gone by and we reunited in the chemo room. So odd but one of those blessing moments. Her facebook note among other things said this “Cancer is sad. Really, really sad.” - and it is, it's really fucking sad - that's all



...and i hate saying this, because i know it's futile & not in my control, but i feel guilty for being so lucky to not be in these more dire situatioons.

Nippon: a thankful post

I just found this post as a draft - a bit late but the memory of this is still warm

just a shout out and an addition to the billion item long list of amazing kindnesses

my lil toyota has needed new breaks - for ages, i have been driving metal on metal an unable to deal with it mentaly really. but a push and a gift from one friend led me to take my care to Nippon motor works. I was told the guy works on Toyotas & Nissans for the love. i believe this to be true.

I was kind of embarassed my car was so bad, so i just mumbled that i had been busy. Clearly he could see i was wearing the unmistakable head scarf.
I got a call just a few hours later from him (who's name i forgot of course) happily telling me he had just driven my delightfully quiet car. I was like what??!! so fast. He said - it seemed like i had been probably going through a lot lately and he thought it would be nice for me to have my all better car as soon as possible.  Then he said he was going to leave, but i could pick up my car and drop the check in his door box - trust & kindness go so far.

I am touched, grateful and forever a customer.

3 good words

Love
Hope
Strength

These words are the name of a really wonderful cancer charity - you can read my blog post about it HERE to learn more about it.  The other day in the course of my job & mutual friends i had the oportunity to meet the co founder James Chippendale - we chatted a little about treatments and recovery and it just really got me thinking of how intensly cancer affects people, and how amazing some people are with what they do. James is just so full of energy and passion and does such good stuff. I felt honored to meet him. He'd heard about me through my ex husband who did the Machu Pichu climb with the charity.
I just think those three words really capture the epitome of what you must find when you are fighting a great struggle. As well as what you must GIVE to those in the struggle. Love - Hope - Strength

goodbye 2010

i kind of hate blaming a year, or thinking that things will be different because of a calendar. each day is a day to make it ours. nonetheless the new year is the ultmate time marker. and symbol of new hopes.
Tomorrow i write out my year goals, with my dear friend, in our matching wizard of oz journals, eating black eyed peas & greens, just like we did last year. I feel a bit more tentative and anxious. Last year i had strong motivatins, clear goals, wishes, plans. And the first part of the year seemed to be going as planned. And then i got breast cancer. not in the plan. it feels a bit scarier now. part of me has that - fuck last year, THIS year will rule, i'm gonna kick ass and then some to make up for it - feeling. another part of me has that - what's the point of planning when you have no control over what the eff happens in life - feeling. scary. everything is harder than it used to be. motivation & hope are a littl bit harder to find.

I am waiting till the moment to see what comes out onto my paper - Guess which one will probably win :)


update: i had my replacement surgery Dec 14th, it's been a bit rough. about 5 days after i started a fever and one side had several red patches. Got new strong antibiotics. Seemed to feel better after a couple of days, finshed the antibiotics. Then again a couple a days later one area got really red again and painful. So now i'm on antibiotics again. I am feeling a bit better just discouraged and reall really tired of not feeling great.
In other news, my hair is growing pretty nicely - i am so over scarves i'm not wearing them anymore, but it's too short for me to just wear out so i'm wearing a cute hat these days. Oh an my eyebrows are back already.

...she never stumbles

i feel like on this day i should post about how grateful i am for how far i've come and all the blessings i have, and i really do feel that, truly i do.  but i feel stuck in a bit of a self pity rut of how hard everything is. I don't enjoy it, it's not my style really. but here i sit, thinking how lucky everyone else is and feeling lacking in things, coping skills, easy buttons, glitter...

welp, i will do something that always reminds me of who i am, and how i reallyfeel, listen to Dylan. It's like he gets me to just be in the exact moment of the moment  - that's all we have. It's like getting to the roots of me. it is, a Dylan album was the first album i ever heard in my life.

so i give you all this song to hear - i just listened to it about 8 times in a row and remembered who i am & i feel a little more adjusted :)  "she's got everything she needs she's an artist she don't look back..."


PS i promise in a day or two i will give a physical update xxxxxooo - n

since we are on the subject of boobs

I can honestly say that for the majority of my life i have not given much thought to boob size & it's impact or effect on things, except in maybe a humorous manner. Or a Dolly Parton reference. I certainly never desired a boob increse to improve my life in anyway, my winning personality and happy smile are enough right?
hmmmmm, where the hell have i been??? 

Example 1:
when i first started getting my boob expanders filled, i asked my darling plastic surgeon how many times he thought i should come in for expansions....his answer "How many houses to you want to sell?" - Good Point! I may end up writing a blog post one day titled "How Breast Cancer Improved my Career" I LOVE my plastic surgeon by the way.

Example 2:
One day after an expansion appointment, i asked my 12 year old daughter what she thought of the size, and should i get more...her answer "they look great of course you should get more - you will just have to walk out the door and you will get a boyfriend!" - well then, clearly i could have made my life easier YEARS ago  - methinks i may have to work on that strategy with her a little....

been a while....need more glitter

wow, so it's been a month ish that i've written here. I guess it's been a pretty rough month and i didn't feel like whine writing. sometimes it helps but sometimes it gets on my own nerves to hear me.

it's been a rough month for a number of reasons. i think a lot has to do emotionaly with a coming down of sorts from the drama of surgury & chemo. now it's past, life is getting back to normal, except it's not.

I started Tamoxifen - that could have a lot to do with it. it can cause emotional shit & depression. I thought i was weepy before?? it sucks

I've finished getting the expanders expanded, but the last three were super painful & uncomfortable, shockingly so. No as I await surgery the pain is gone but they are still ridic uncomfortable. I don't know how to dress even sometimes.

Finances have been a strain - in real estate you have to be always working a few months ahead to keep it steady, screeching to a halt this summer is still affecting me. Working my ass off now. Loving it but disheartening for earnings not to be reliable like a job job

I want my head hear to be more normal, it is growing back tho, but i can see how slow it's gonna be, i'm ready for the Ellen do.
And this today, i noticed that my eybrows are now falling out. 6 weeks since my last chemo!!!???  seems unfair. I'm patching together normalness, this feels like a set back.

ok purged. done. I am not great at wallowing. don't worry, i have cried a ton. I just know that if i get too caught up in the sad i won't move forward somewhere. I have to work, i have to be a good mom, i have to make money and i like those things, so i don't want to mess them up.
I will go to Sephora this weekend and ask a girl or guy there to help, and i will purchase some excellent brow product no matter how much it costs.  Maybe i need a new glitter eyeliner to remind me?

PS - my replacemnt surgery is December 14th - for you lay people - that's new boob surgery. yahooooooo

The Glitter Dropz - my 2010 Komen team

Last year i signed up for the Komen Race for the cure because breast cancer had just affected my family for the first time. My kids step mom, yes my ex husband's wife, was diagnosed in october 2009, she's way too young. So it was important to me, and important for the kids.
lalala, months go buy, my story starts....when i thought about the 2010 race, it seemed so far away, i didn't know at all what shape or stage i'd be in. Then i had innocent ideas that i'd actually be well enough to run! eventually i figured out it fell at quite a good time, about 3 weeks after my last chemo and well after the big surgery. Regardless i signed up and made a team - my daughter came up withe the name the Glitter Dropz , people signed up.
A sweet lady Shelley who i hardly know, volunteered to donate team shirts and design & print our team name! Aren't they awesome! Shelley is the mom of a schoolmate of my kids, & my neighbor/team member Kristen helped facilitate this, i'm so grateful!

Beth, the kids & I decided to get a room at the Westin at the Domain for kicks, and to save the time and stress of driving & parking in the morning. That was a blast! we roamed around the Domain & had dinner at Kona Grill.

The gang met us in the lobby in the morning and we headed en masse to the race area, lots of booths to look at, and freebies to grab. It was kind of overwhelming. It was kind of sobering to see so many survivors.

We wrote who we were walking in honor of to pin to our backs.

My godson's was rad

My son's broke my heart


I loved the cheering, i got some random hugs, i felt my sisters with me

My mom & grandma joined us at the end!

Four Generations!

I was amazed at how hard 3 miles was - not thrilled with new found wimpiness

Tito's vodka party at Daily Grill after


got to meet a friend i have known on Twitter for ages - Brady! and his cute fam.

my daughter & brady's daughter!

my son & my god son - not afraid to wear pink


yeah,  5k, pooped
 part of me wants to delve into the emotional part of this day, part of me just wants this to be a little recap photo admiring post. it was emotional at times, little snippets, made eyes tear up. sometimes it was stressfull with the crowds and the team wrangling, like being a hostess. It was a lot of FUN. but really, being in the huge group of supporters & survivors put things in perspective. It was good to get away from the it's all about me and my fight syndrome. I was just a survivor like all the others. And i'm not saying that to minimize anything or trivialize. It's just true. So a huge giant hand High Fiving everyone. We are all amazing. I'm proud of all of us